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One of Life's Great Mysteries Solved: We Now Know Which QB Tom Brady Called 'That Muthafucka' When His Team Didn't Sign Him

There are just so many aspects to this story about Dolphins owner Stephen Ross getting suspended for talking to Tom Brady and Sean Payton while they were on the payroll of the Patriots and Saints, respectively. And it's not that the highest listed owner on the Dolphins' official website is now Fergie. Though there is that:

But apparently her velvet tones and lovely lady lumps are not in charge. Sadly. It turns out the principle owner now is a group still owned by Wayne Huzienga. Even at just 5%, he's doing to Fergie Ferg, Marc Anthony and the Williams sisters what he did to mom and pop video stores in the mid-90s. 

What I'm talking about is the mystery surrounding the unnamed quarterback that Brady savagely motherfucked back in June. 

Now that we have the details, only one candidate makes sense. Here's the reveal, along with a better clip of that motherfucking in question: 

Of course. It's the only explanation that holds up. With the understanding that the stuff about "There's no way I would've gone to that fucking team" was said in jest. Sour grapes he said after the fact when Miami decided not to sign him, stick with Ryan Fitzpatrick and draft Tua Tagovailoa. Brady was Himalayan Pink Salty over the fact Ross chose Fitzmagic over him. And with good reason. 

In that post in June, I counted down the likely candidates. And while I didn't single out Fitzpatrick, I did have him listed as a prime suspect:

--Ryan Fitzpatrick, Dolphins. This feels a little less likely. But by no means impossible. My first reaction is that Brady would've wanted no part of staying in the AFC East. But after further review, I can't come up with a solid reason why he wouldn't. The guy who's sitting there in a pretend barbershop casually MFing a mystery QB for the crime of sucking would not have hesitated to go play for Brian Flores and try to exact his vengeance on Bill Belichick twice a year. And while we all default to the great moments of Fitzmagic, those get further in our rearview all the time. There have been five full seasons since he won 10 games with the Jets or had a 2:1 TD to INTs ratio. And in March of 2020 (so long before Miami drafted Tua Tagovailoa), you can see Brady looking at Fitz' 12-23 record and wondering what the appeal was.

Dammit all. Looking back, with the benefit of hindsight, it seems so obvious now. This is why I don't read mystery novels. And why movies like Knives Out or Death on the Nile only appeal to me for the acting and gorgeous starlets. 

Giphy Images.

I always get taken in by the misdirections and red herrings and miss the pertinent clues.

In the Case of the Mystery Motherfucker, it was all right there in front of me, but I didn't listen to myself and put it all together Ultimately, I put down my Clue cards and said it was Jimmy Garoppolo. In San Francisco. With a Candlestick. Specifically, the Candlestick that Brady used to visit with his dad and watch Joe Montana. Once again, that was me following the wrong clue, his desire to play in his hometown and get his old backup sent away once again. Shame on me for not seeing the answer right under my nose. 

Even with that settled, we can't close the file on this case. There's still Ryan Fitzpatrick to he heard from again. And Tom Brady. Though I don't imagine he'll be anxious to run to a microphone at Bucs camp any time soon and field questions about how dirty he and Stephen Ross did Mr. Kraft while Brady was cashing his paychecks. I for one can't wait.