Twitter user Haden Miller (@HadenMillerWV) spent nearly $500 to purchase my shitty Airbnb owner's Poop Pillow from The Yak Auction. Along with receiving the Poop Pillow, Haden also won a blog from me about any topic he wants. Additionally, he won the opportunity to chew out my Airbnb owner for refusing to give me a AC for half of my stay. I sent Haden his street address, the names of his wife and kids, and told him to go crazy. Not sure how that's playing out. I should check up on that.
I was worried about what the winner of my Poop Pillow would choose for a blog topic. I said I would write about literally anything they wanted. I would have promoted his small business. I would have wrote about how great of a penis he has, an open letter to Joe Biden, naked pictures of myself, Hitler, the list goes on and on. There is not a single topic I would not have written about.
But out of all the things in the world a blog on Barstool Sports could do for Haden, the thing he wants more than anything is an unblock from Brandon Walker.
I am a Brandon Walker fan as well, Haden. I have never been blocked by him, but I can definitely relate. The same thing happened to me with Rico Bosco a few years ago.
I got caught up in the Twitter jokes and replied to one of Rico's Tweets with a clown/balloons GIF. I must have deleted the Tweet, because I can't seem to find it. After months of DM'ing Rico from my burner account (@Ernie814), I finally received this DM.
In hindsight, happiest moment of my life seems a bit extreme. Some might say embarrassing. But it does suck being blocked by someone at Barstool when you follow them so closely and miss out on half the jokes. So I'm going to do my best to plead Haden's case for him. Brandon Walker is a reasonable guy. By the time this blog is done, I'm sure I will able to convince him to let Haden back in.
Let's start with why Haden received a block in the first place.Looks like an open and shut case to me. His name is Brandon, not Brendon. Well actually, his name is Thomas, but for some reason that isn't good enough so he goes by Brandon. NOT Brendon.
In case there is any confusion, I've compiled a full list of names you are NOT to call Brandon Walker:
- Moron from Mississippi
- Fat Ass
- Bitch Tits
- Fat Brandon
- King of the South
Any other names should be fine.
Alright, now I have to make a case for Haden. I love an opportunity to award points to people, so here's how this will go - If Haden can accumulate 10 Unblock Points, Brandon has to unblock him. I am going to do a deep dive into his Twitter, and periodically reward Haden points as I go through his Tweets. I hope he deleted all his slurs (it looks like he did because I just Twitter searched @HadenMillerWV + every slur and cancellable thing I could think of and got nothing).
See Brandon, that's 1 point for Haden already. No obvious slurs on his Twitter account. That's shockingly progressive for a West Virginia alum. Actually, fuck… no slurs might be the opposite of what Brandon is looking for. That puts us behind the 8-ball a bit, but I'm sure we can recover.
No slurs: -1 points (total points, -1)
The next Twitter search I conducted was @BarstoolMintzy + @HadenMillerWV
No tweets to Ben Mintz: 2 points (total points, 1)
Great, we're in the black. But where do we go from here? I really don't know. Let's see if I can find any point worthy pictures of him.
Look at this Brandon! He's playing an outdated video game. You love outdated video games. Haden would be your target audience for that outdated video games podcast you wanted to start that one time. You know the one where you were going to play video games on a podcast? Where you would talk about how the video game was going and verbally describe what's happening to the podcast listeners? Haden is one of several people who would love to listen to that.
Outdated video games points: 2 (total points, 4)
Here is yet another thing you have in common. You both love the middle of nowhere. I don't get it, but there are a ton of people in the world who get horny as fuck for trees in the distance. Maybe you guys can do a Twitter Space from a bog sometime.
Middle of nowhere points: 2 (total points, 6)
When scrolling through Haden's Twitter, I can never tell if he is being serious with his tweets. Maybe I'm just jaded from the internet, but like.. look at this shit.
13 likes too. That's comfortably 12 more than it deserved. I'm afraid I'm starting to hate him. I'm an extremely positive guy, but Jesus, Haden. I'm supposed to rely on this Tuesday ass dude to chew out my Airbnb guy for me? Whatever. I'm going to move past it and keep pleading my case for him, but it's not going to be easy.
Here's something else you have in common
Cracker Barrel and Jesus. That seems to be right up your alley. You can treat Haden to a Grandma's Sampler and discuss the lord.
Cracker Barrel points: 1 (total points, 7)
I'm really going to have to dig deep for these next 3 points. I'm out of ideas. I don't just want to phone it in and award 3 points for some bullshit. But I also want this blog to be over. It's a classic prisoner's dilemma.
Ok I got it! Brandon, you need a punching bag. Someone you can go to shit on at any time of the day for any reason. I am graciously volunteering Haden to be that punching bag for you. I've been looking at his Twitter all day and there are a lot of stupid things on there. Anytime you need to get some anger out, just scroll down his page for a bit, find one of his dumb tweets, then tell him how dumb it is. Or how ugly he looks. Or how stupid West Virginia is. Or how nobody cares that he's having a beer at the airport. Or how nobody cares that he ran a 5k - it's not even that long of a race literally anyone can roll out of bed and do it. Or fucking anything I don't care.
I think a go to Twitter punching bag would do wonders for you, Brandon. I can tell you have a lot of stress. You carry it in your shoulders. Take out all of your pent up anger on Haden. He can handle it.
After writing this, I am now in the market for a Twitter punching bag as well. If anyone reading would like to offer themselves up as someone who I can berate in the replies whenever I am in a bad mood, my DMs' are always open.
Punching bag points: 3 (total points, 10)
I did it. I have made the case for Brandon Walker to unblock @HadenMillerWV. It might not be a good case, but it is a case nonetheless. You are fucking welcome, Haden. Thanks for buying the Poop Pillow.
Fuck, I forgot that part of Haden's request was to insinuate that Brandon has a blocking problem..
Brandon I think you might have a blocking problem.