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Suburb Saturdays Volume 3: Your Neighbor Has A Weird Pet That's Constantly Invading Your Yard

Thomas Iversen. Unsplash Images.

Another user submission this week, this time from someone going by "Snausages":

During COVID, my bozo neighbor got a bunch of yardbirds.  Our town has no ordinance preventing it, so his backyard has 25+ chickens, 2 dogs, 3 kids and a hawk (that attacks the chickens).

For content, this is a normal suburb in Connecticut, no one else has yardbirds or other barnyard critters roaming around.

Said bozo lets the yardbirds run wild and free.  Plus, the ugly buggers lay eggs all over the neighborhood, take dumps in our yards, smell terrible and are constantly roaming around in the street.  

The bozo neighbor feels like offering free eggs is a fair exchange for the smell and nuisance we all have to endure.  No one takes the eggs.  However, I have started to place any eggs I find in my bushes on the windshield of another neighbor's car, which makes the other neighbor go crazy thinking yardbirds are jumping on his car and laying eggs.

What's the play here?  How do we get rid of the yardbirds? Note, we have a fence, the birds crawl under it.  #trust the data

-Snausages (not my real name)

This is a tough one, because if the bozo neighbor is offering free eggs, he clearly thinks this is a nuisance. That, in addition he has around 30ish non-human things running around in his yard should clearly tell you he's got a screw loose. So what do you do?

- First, you've got to ensure you do not take the guy's eggs. If you do take the neighbor's eggs, you are powerless to really have any gripes because you took this essentially, handshake deal that allows him to behave like he owns a fair in the burbs.

- The fact that Snausages took the time to look into the the town ordinances is the right move, because with a guy this nuts, you may take some law intervening.

The way I see it you have a few options:

1) The snitchiest thing possible, you could file complaints with the town police department. It won't do anything at first, but if there ever comes a situation where the chickens/yardbirds get into your yard, you've got ammo to call it in.

2) This psycho move - You kill any birds in your yard. Weird thing for a family man in the burbs to do, but if you're experienced enough, you could get some free meat out of the deal. Eventually the guy will notice and have to confront you. This could lead to crazy vs. crazy, so not my preferred option.

3) The passive aggressive move - buy some mice and pepper his yard with them every so often. That'll attract more hawks. The more hawks, the more predators to naturally take out the yardbirds.

4) The upfront move - just ring on the guy's doorbell and tell him it's really bothering you. If this just started during the pandemic, then maybe he was normal before then? The fact that he has three kids makes me think at least a woman liked him at some point in time, so he's got to have some redeeming qualities. Maybe he just lost touch with humanity and needed some animals? Maybe his kids all eat a ton and he wanted to try to save money on eggs? Who knows, but a direct confrontation could be awkward but the most concrete solution.

What do you think the move should be? Sound off in the comments below.

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