The Cleveland Browns Tailgate Is Clearly The Best Place To Cheat On Your Wife
I would hate to step on anyone's toes here. I know that Steven Cheah is Barstool Sports' resident draft grader, but couldn't help but take a stab at this one today.
Barstool Cleveland is a great group of guys (probably not, I don't fucking know).
Will Burge (I think he's the leader) and the Barstool Cleveland boys did a Dog Walk style draft on their Pound Town podcast this morning. The draft topic was Tailgate Essentials. I've been to the Muni Lot in Cleveland for a tailgate before. If anybody knows how to tailgate correctly it's Cleveland Browns fans.
I'm not going to lie to you boys, this draft was the talk of the office at Barstool HQ this morning. If you were looking for engagement, you certainly got it. This draft taught me way more about tailgating than I've learned in my 30 years of being alive.
Lets go team by team
Team #1 - RV, Beer, The Walk, Fuck Pittsburgh T-Shirt
I don't have too much to say about this team. RV is a bit of a strange #1 pick, but I suppose it's pretty important. It's a better option than pitching a tent, or tailgating out the back of a pickup truck. The fact that no alcohol was taken until the last pick of the second round is insane. You could give me every other pick in this draft but I'm not going to your tailgate unless there's alcohol.
I'm assuming that "The Walk" is the walk from the tailgate to the stadium. That actually sounds like it sucks but it is probably tradition so I'll give him that too. A Fuck Pittsburgh T-Shirt is a staple of any Brown's tailgate (I would imagine). It's a great thing to wear until your Deshaun Watson jersey arrives in the mail.
Team #1 Grade: B-
Team #2 - The Boys, Cooler, Cups, and a Hall Pass
I'm much more excited to discuss Team #2.
Picture this: It's Sunday morning. You and 30 of your best boys meet up to head to the tailgate. It's 7 degrees outside and the wind is blowing a steady 35 mph with gusts as high as 60 mph. Lake effect wind is the real deal. Luckily you have an expensive Yeti cooler. Your drinks need to be stored in a cold place. You don't need ice because 12 inches of snow covers all of Cleveland. Lake effect snow is the real deal. You didn't bring any beer with you, but certainly it will appear at some point. You'll cross that bridge when you get there. You did, however, bring stacks upon stacks of Red Solo cups. When that beer does show up, you're going to be so fucking ready.
You finally make it to the tailgate. You and the boys are bundled up in layers. Overtop the layers you dawn a Baker Mayfield jersey. Your Deshaun Watson jersey hasn't arrived yet either. You set up shop in the parking lot. It's just the boys, a cooler, and a shit load of cups. The beer will show up eventually, but until then, it's time to do what you really came here to do - cheat on your wife while fully sober. You married a wonderful woman who understands that Cleveland Browns tailgates are all about getting pussy that isn't hers.
Team #2 was drafted by Will Burge himself. As I was writing this blog, he responded to my tweet defending his selection of Hall Pass. Because I am a man of honor, I will include his defense in this blog.
Sure Will. You "don't get a hall pass to cheat on your wife while tailgating in the Municipal Lot at every Cleveland Browns home game." Good save.
Team #2 Grade: B+
Team #3 - Good Meats, 2 Joints, High Noons, Sports Betting
Team #3 fully understood the assignment. Team #3 is most people. You have food, drugs, and alcohol. Way to be a company man with the High Noon pick. Sports Betting is an important staple in theory. It's a bit of a pain in the ass that you'll have to make a stop in Michigan on your way to the game so you can place your bets on the Barstool Sportsbook, but you can still cheer for your bets in Ohio. Good drafting #3.
Team #3 Grade: A
Team #4 - A Football, In Line at 5am, Alcohol Poisoning, Cupid Shuffle
Team #4 was drafted by a wild man. Let's discuss Team #4's ideal tailgate experience
It's 5 in the morning and you're in line at the tailgate with a football in hand. You're ready to complete a pass to anyone and everyone who throws their hand in the air and takes a couple quick steps like they're running a route. That really is the best part of any tailgate. Maybe if you throw a clean enough spiral, a girl will see it and want to have sex with you in a porta potty. If your wife is like Will's, you can do it guilt free.
You're so excited that you can't even wait until you get into the tailgate to start drinking. You steal a bottle of vodka from some sorority girls in line behind you and start chugging. You're having the time of your life. You try to pass the bottle around to your friends, but they're all pacing themselves. They have a "long day ahead of them." It's a "marathon not a sprint". They're such losers. They don't know how to tailgate. Guess you'll just have to finish the bottle yourself.
1 hour later
You're still not to the front of the line, but the bottle is nearly gone. A stranger walks by and shouts, "you won't chug the rest of that pussy." You'll show him. You throw the bottle back and and clear it swiftly.
2 hours later
Some time has passed, but you can't remember any of it. You wake up in a folding chair. Somehow you made it to the tailgate. You try to stand up but your legs give out. You fall face first onto the pavement and bust both your lips wide open. As you stumble from tailgate site to tailgate site looking for anyone who has something you can use to control the bleeding, you start to feel sick. You projectile vomit bright red blood all over the shoes of the sorority girls you stole the bottle of vodka from earlier. Everyone is disgusted. Their tailgate is ruined. You're in no shape to cheat on your wife now. You're all alone, and you need help bad. Then an ambulance pulls up. Someone called it for you. Fuck, this is going to be expensive. The EMT's put you on a stretcher and load you into the back of the ambulance while everyone else in the Municipal Lot does the Cupid Shuffle. Tailgate complete.
Team $4 Grade: A+