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I Have No Choice But To Give The Bucs An "F" Grade For Signing Julio Jones After Seeing His First Practice Today

No offense to Bucs superfan Steven Cheah, who probably could break down 100 reasons why Julio fits the Bucs scheme perfectly watching the All 22. However based on that one snippet of video, I can guarantee that Julio Jones' time as a Buc is going to be nothing but pain and they get an automatic F from me in my always accurate free agency grades. 

Not because of what Julio did or didn't do. But because what he was wearing: Number 85. 

I did an entire blog breaking down which numbers are fast and slow for running backs using the most scientific metrics possible, which just so happen to be the eye test.

Without going into a full breakdown for receiver numbers, let me just tell you that 85 is pretty much as slow a number as a wide receiver can legally wear in the National. Football. League. Slapping number 85 on your back is about the same as slapping a grand piano on your back. I don't know what distinguishes a grand piano from a regular piano. But I imagine size and weight is one of them. 

Actually you have time right? Let's look this up and learn something new together from Carling Ford Music!

So what’s the biggest difference between upright piano vs grand piano? Upright pianos are vertical pianos designed to save on space. They produce less sound and cost less. Grand pianos produce a bigger tone. They have longer strings, more refined action, faster key repetition, are more expensive than upright pianos.

Grand pianos are much larger in shape and size. The horizontal design allows for the maximum amount of sound and tone control. The strings are much longer, which helps produce a more powerful bass sound. With the lid open, grand pianos have much greater projection and are the preferred option in concert halls and recitals. 

Getty Images was nice enough to show us the difference, with the grand piano being on the left:

asantosg. Getty Images.
Giphy Images.


Anyway, Julio at the very least has an upright piano strapped to his back wearing that 8 and 5 usually reserved for tight ends and special teamers, which is by no means a dig considering those special teamers can become legends in their own right.

Giphy Images.

Apologies to Patriots fans that didn't see that coming. Things could be worse though, such as your franchise's best receiver signing to play with the QB that wiped that receiver's UNBELIEVABLE catch from the minds of millions of people because his new QB engineered the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history

I won't apologize to Falcons fans for this one because many of them are Braves fans that have been annoying the fuuuuuck out of me this year for constantly chirping about being the best 2nd place team in baseball while being powered by stats like this.


Where was I? Oh yeah, Julio Jones' ability to run! I don't imagine Julio Jones has been anywhere near a 99 Speed in Madden after God knows how many years of hamstring injuries. 

But by becoming an ocho cinco for the Bucs, he has pretty much ensured he is a glorified tight end for Tom Brady now. Which is fine if Julio is going to be a Gronk replacement for as long as Gronk enjoys not going to training camp or getting his ass kicked every Sunday as he runs free in the open field of life. However, Gronk made a Hall of Fame career out of catching touchdown passes while Julio Jones made a Hall of Fame career despite not catching touchdown passes.

The simple fix in all this is to change numbers. I took a quick look at the Bucs roster and noticed 87 is available, which is a perfectly good numbers that is both fast and durable, which helps Julio. However Julio made his bones wearing a jersey with a 1 in it. So I looked up who was wearing Julio's old number 11 from his Falcons days in my Bucs program and, well yeahhhhh…

Giphy Images.

Yup that's right. Blaine Gabbert is the person responsible for blocking Julio a chance to get into the Tom Brady Rejuvenation Machine and being a WR2 option for your fantasy team until at least Chris Godwin comes back. I refuse to believe Bruce Arians would allow this if he was still calling the shots but he was pushed out by Tom Brady retired completely on his own accord like most super compteitive coaches do when they have a Super Bowl winning roster.

So in closing, I have one thing to say to Julio Jones if he doesn't want to buy a number off of Blaine Gabbert or any of his other new teammates with his $6 million deal from the Bucs.

P.S. I had to include this old scene from Roger Rabbit because I thought of it while learning about what makes a grand piano so grand earlier and seeing Donald Duck share a screen with Daffy Duck back in the day was something I never thought I'd see, like Tom Brady throwing passes to Julio Jones.


h/t RI and Tony