A Surprise Asteroid is Hurling Towards Earth, The World Ends in 15 Minutes!
Science Photo Library - ANDRZEJ WOJCICKI. Getty Images.A surprise asteroid is hurling towards earth, the world ends in 15 minutes - Is the hypothetical premise of this blog.
Someone I follow on Twitter wrote a nice, well-thought-out blog about what the last 15 minutes of your life would be like if the world was coming to an end. He ranked the last 15 minutes from worst to best. Here it is.
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I feel like a lot of people are annoyed by him, but I kinda like that Jonny Sun guy. He's a good writer, and he's wholesome. I've decided to steal his idea but make it worse.
Note: Jonny Sun listed his last 15 minutes in order of worst minute to best minute. I was going to do that, but when I wrote it all out it read like complete nonsense, so I just put mine in chronological order with rankings next to them
1 = Best Minute
15 = Worst Minute
The Last 15 Minutes of Your Life Ranked from Worst to Best (John's Version)
15 Minutes Left (Rank #13) - You're in line at KFC. You've been thinking about getting a Famous Bowl for lunch all day, and it's finally time. It's busy, but there's only one person in line in front of you. The line moved quick today. That's when you notice a commotion outside. Men and woman are sprinting down the street. People are abandoning their cars in the middle of the road. What could be happening? A delivery driver storms in and announces that the world is ending in 15 minutes. You check Twitter to confirm - he's right. A surprise asteroid the size of 2 moons is hurling towards earth. This is it. It's the end of the world. You're so overwhelmed that you fall to your knees. Your stomach is in knots. You start dry heaving for some reason. Death is right around the corner.
14 Minutes Left (Rank #11) - Before you have time to think of your next move, two runaway cars smash into the glass front of the KFC. It's a blood bath. Multiple people are dead.
13 Minutes Left (Rank #12) - The cars that smashed into the KFC are tipped over and fully blocking the front of the store. There's no way out. Debris is everywhere. Fumes are everywhere. It's hard to breathe. The world is ending in 13 minutes and you are trapped inside of a KFC.
12 Minutes Left (Rank #8) - You still haven't eaten lunch yet, so you grab one of the meals KFC has sitting out for pick-up. It's not the Famous Bowl you were hoping for, but it's a 2-piece dark meat meal with a side of mashed potatoes which is also a pretty good option. You try to enjoy the meal, but smoke is filling the KFC so it's hard to get down.
11 Minutes Left (Rank #15) - You decide that you should give your girlfriend a call before you suffocate inside of the KFC. She answers the phone. She tells you that she wants to have end of the world sex, but you have no way of getting to her in time. She asks if it would be ok if she fucked her co-worker Victor. She's always been attracted to him physically. It would mean nothing, but end of the world sex would be pretty cool. You don't understand why she had to tell you that. Seems like something she could have done in secret. But you love her, and you want her to enjoy her last minutes on earth, you give her the ok, say a tearful goodbye, and hang up the phone.
10 Minutes Left (Rank #6) - You see someone crawl through a small opening between the 2 flipped cars. Thank god there's a way out. A crowd gathers around the opening and people start to escape one by one. You start crawling through the hole when somebody grabs your shirt and pulls you back. It's a heavy-set man.
Heavy Set Man: Hold up there twiggy, it's my turn
You: Just let me go quick you can be next
Heavy Set Man: No sir, this is a society and I was in line next
You: What do you mean a society? The world is ending there are no rules
Heavy Set Man: That doesn't mean we can't behave like civilized adults
You: Yes, that's exactly what it means. Also, you're fucking huge you can't fit through this small opening anyways. If you go first, you'll get stuck, then I'm trapped in here forever
Heavy Set Man: So now you're fat shaming me?
You: Yeah sure why not, you're a big fatso and you can't fit.
Big Fatso: Fucking millennials
You: You don't look a day over 40, you're a millennial too
You flip Big Fatso the bird and crawl through the hole. You're finally free.
9 Minutes Left (Rank #3) - You're finally free from the KFC. You have no idea what to do next. You just start running. It feels good to run. With all the adrenaline you have built up, you're running faster than ever before. This has to be a PR for you. For a brief moment, you aren't thinking about your imminent death. You're not thinking about your girlfriend being plowed by Victor. You're not thinking about the fact that you haven't called any of your family members. You're just running free.
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8 Minutes Left (Rank #9) - You just remembered that your girlfriend is currently being plowed by her co-worker Victor. He certainly has a monster cock. You stop running and begin to cry. You should have told her to run towards the KFC. You just want to see her one more time and be with the woman you love as the world comes to an end
7 Minutes Left (Rank #7) - You're sitting on the ground crying like a bitch. A homeless man pushing an empty cart passes you and shouts, "Stop crying like a bitch!" Some teens on bikes point at you and laugh. They seem to be enjoying themselves despite the circumstances. It gives you hope. Might as well try to enjoy your last minutes on earth. You get up off the ground and grab a Citi Bike. There's no reason to be scared of Citi Bikes anymore. You want to feel young again just one more time. You hop on your bike and go to catch up with the teens.
6 Minutes Left (Rank #14) - You join the scary teen biker gang on your Citi Bike for about 10 seconds before they notice you. They're not pleased that you are trying to infiltrate their group. One of them shouts, "Oh look guys, it's the crying pussy boy!" You don't even care. You just keep peddling. You notice a shadow of another biker coming up from behind you. "WHACK!", one of the teens clubs you over the head with a baseball bat. You go tumbling off your bike and skid across the pavement. You're bleeding profusely from every part of your body. All of your fingers are broken. You are in tremendous pain.
5 Minutes Left (Rank #4) - You start to cry again as you sit bleeding on the pavement after being knocked off your Citi Bike by an unruly teen. Then, an absolute disaster of a human being approaches you. He's wearing a trash bag for a shirt, and a trash bag for pants. He certainly hasn't bathed in years. Despite being outside with the world crumbling around you, his stench dominates the area. It's unbearable. You're doing everything in your power not to puke. The man grabs your arm. You don't have the energy to fight back. Whatever happens, happens. You sit helpless as the man ties a string tight around your arm right below your elbow. He jams a dirty needle directly into your protruding vein. He just shot you up with heroin. He gives you a gentle kiss on the lips and jumps into a nearby sewer.
4 Minutes Left (Rank #2) - An overwhelming feeling of warmth and comfort washes over your entire body. Is this what heroin feels like? Holy shit it's good. Soooo fucking good. Why haven't you been doing heroin your whole life? Whatever the repercussions are they are certainly worth this temporary feeling. You no longer have any problems. The end of the world doesn't matter. Victor taking your girlfriend from behind in a coat closet at Morgan Stanley Corporate Headquarters doesn't matter. Nothing matters. You are at peace.
3 Minutes Left (Rank #1)- You still feel really, really good. Sweet, sweet heroin is coursing through your veins. You're no longer feeling pain. You take a look at the world ending around you. It's a beautiful disaster. Maybe this is all for the best. Maybe we deserve it. Maybe heaven exists and you're about to experience eternal bliss. Maybe if you die on heroin then you get to be on heroin in heaven too. This is the happiest you've been in years. You've accepted what is happening. Your eyes get heavy and you begin to fade out (from the heroin).
2 Minutes Left (Rank #10) - As you're nodding off on the street, you hear a loud crunch, followed by screams of terror. Blood splatters across your face. You hear another crunch. More blood. Another crunch. More blood. Instead of waiting for the asteroid to hit, people are leaping to their death from the tops of buildings. It's raining suicide in New York City. You manage to pick yourself up off the ground and find shelter under some scaffolding. This is it. This is where you watch the world end. Watching people fall to their death is jarring. But wait a minute… what's this?! Oh no! The teens on bikes are back, and they're coming your way! This time they have bottle rockets and they're shooting them at you. Fireworks are whizzing by your head. You avoid the first few shots and dive underneath a parked car.
1 Minute Left (Rank #5) - You look up, and a man emerges from the gutter. It's the man in the trash bags! Your sweet heroin prince! He takes you by the hand and pulls you down into the sewer. You're down in the sewer with the trash bags man. He doesn't speak a lick of English. He doesn't speak any language, or make any noise at all. This is the last person you will see before you die. It's you and trash bags man vs the world. Maybe he knows something you don't. Maybe you'll be safe in the sewer and live your days doing heroin in the bowels of New York. That would be pretty awesome. Unfortunately that's not the case. The walls of the sewer begin to shake. The road above you begins to crumble. Pavement falls on your head. This is it. You give trash bags man a kiss on the lips then--