A Judge Just Dunked On Elon... And Will Be Twitter Trolled Into Oblivion

A judge for the Delaware Court of Chancery, which is 100%, totally, not a made up thing, has ruled that the Twitter vs. Elon trial will be the expedited variety vs. the drawn out media shitstorm Elon was hoping for. And it'll begin in October. Book your Airbnbs now.

In case you've been, oh, I don't know, getting hosed down by the inspiration for Ari Gold on a super yacht in Mykonos (I had to see these pictures of Elon, and now you do too), Elon Musk and Twitter are beefing.

Perhaps you've heard that Elon was interested in buying Twitter for $44 billion. So much so that he signed a contract (usually when he lies about something he just Tweets about it) and started lining up money to take the company private. Well, after he had some time to think about it, the world's richest man decided to back out, claiming Twitter had too many bots. Billionaires.... they're just like us... they do drugs and buy stuff they don't want, too.

The company created by a man who looks like he smells like Bigfoot's dick (Jack Dorsey) felt it wasn't getting a fair shake. Elon pinky promised to buy the micro-blogging site, and it plans to hold him to it. Last week Twitter decided to sue Elon to enforce the deal. The company's one ask of the court was to complete the trial quickly, since its shares have been getting bent over and shown the 50 states in the aftermath of Elon's pullout. Elon, on the other hand, told the Sixth Amendment (not gonna lie, I have no clue if this is how the Sixth Amendment works...) to go fuck itself... and hoped to delay the trial until February. I hear Delaware is lovely that time of the year.

The judge who should really make sure to keep her distance from the only man more hell-bent on populating earth than Nick Cannon, ruled in favor of Twitter, fast-tracking a 5-day trial set to begin in October. Shares of Twitter rose almost 3% on the day.

In theory this is good news for Twitter.  A shorter trial would give Elon's side less time to go nuclear on Twitter (read: expose bot and other problems), thus ensuring the deal is enforced at the agreed upon $54.20 per share. Considering the stock is trading for less than $40, that presents upside (because math) that is the stuff of investors' wet dreams. 

Not to mention a fast-tracked trial gives Elon, the irrational man-child, less time to torpedo the stock further by way of excessive Twitter trolling.

And I haven't been this excited since DeepFuckingValue and Ken Griffin got hauled in front of Congress.

Snap Necks and Cash Checks,


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