Contrary To An Ugly Internet Rumor This Is NOT Me With A Pathetic Attempt To Steal Jewelry In Wisconsin

Sometimes you think you have a pal. Sometimes that pal decides to start an ugly, UGLY Internet rumor: 

I don't even know where to begin. Clem partly cleared my name by reminding the world that I am a glorious lefty. Sure, it sucked as a kid in the 80s and 90s when there were no scissors for me to use, ink got all over my hand and binders were a bitch. But being a lefty in sports is awesome. Highly recommend it. I also can't believe how long it took companies to make left-handed school supplies. Seems like that should have been a goldmine. Binders that open the other way, ink that doesn't bleed all over you and your left hand looks part-Smurf. 

Second, I'm not this motivated. If that glass ain't breaking like Stone Cold's music the first time, I'm out of there. No way am I trying 2, 3 even 4 times. One shot kid. 

Third, I've never been to Wisconsin. I'd like to go. I've heard Milwaukee is a fun town. Even though Wisconsin fans love to remind me about 2015 (and forget about 2014) I want to see Jump Around in person. I'm for sure not going there to steal some jewelry. I'd be going for football and cheese. That said, here's my favorite memory of Wisconsin: 

Fourth, I've stopped wearing long shorts. It's not the early-mid 2000s anymore guy. I know there is a notorious picture that doesn't help my case but I'm a short shorts guy. I saw the light because this was simply an outrageous look, even in 2005. 

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What an asshole. I blame Marques Green.

Maybe TJ Ford

Chris Covatta. Getty Images.

Now this is my first true Internet doppelgänger. Voice wise? Sure I've heard the Dane Cook and Bert Kreischer comparisons. But I've never dealt with having to clear my name from an Internet video. 

As for this fella? Tough break. You devise a genius plan to throw a brick through glass to steal jewelry. Now you're known as the guy who is going to get arrested for failing. Can't even enjoy the thrill of stealing something. Mix in some weightlifting or something though man. You gotta be able to break that glass in a few attempts.