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There Was A Fast But Furious Fight At A Restaurant On The San Antonio Riverwalk Complete With Random Objects Being Used As Weapons

Call me an old fashioned, but damn do I miss quick little fights like this that involved people kicking each others asses because they were angry idiots instead of being rooted in some sort of controversial issue. Barstool Sports (dot) com was born on pure idiocy like this that had three very evident stars.

Bronze Medalist: The Cameraman/Camerawoman

Giphy Images.

Just an unreal job capturing the chaos as it unfolded. The steady hand, the panning, the zooming, all from an angle so perfect I feel like this fight could've been staged. They also didn't say a peep, which is no small task as you watch people getting bashed with restaurant weapons, and clearly spent the extra $100 to upgrade from the iPhone 13 to the iPhone 13 Pro for a clearer picture, which was very much appreciated.

Silver Medalist: The Dude That Smashed The Other Dude With The Foldable Table Thingie

As great as the camera work was in this video, I can't have the cameraman higher than the guy that not only brought the ruckus in this video but did so with a little bit of innovation. I don't know what the foldable thingie you put trays on is called, but I know I would never think to fold it up like a steel chair and unleash it on another human like The Rock did to Mankind once upon a time.

Notably not medaling is the guy that threw what appeared to be a coffee carafe in this video because if you hold a foreign object in your hand during a brawl like this, you hold the power. Throwing that weapon away instead of bashing a complete stranger's skull with it is rookie shit.


Also not medaling is the person yelling "STOP IT" over and over because his pleas were clearly ignored.

Gold Medalist: The Riverboat Captain

If you board a boat with a guy wearing a hat like that as your captain, you know you are in for a good time. You will get someone that knows how to comfortably ride the currents, will drop at least a few PG-13 one-liners, and won't bust your chops for smuggling a couple of nips of booze to enjoy during the ride as long as you give him a swig (He's kidding but he's really not kidding). 

However, the best case scenario of having a captain like this is if a fight breaks out, he will pull up right alongside it and give you all front row seats to a brouhaha that you couldn't dream of getting unless you used the Gametime app (promo code BELIEVE for $20 off your first purchase).

Not only do you get to watch a melee take place from the safety of your own seat on a boat, but you get to record your own video that could go viral and get your those oh so valuable internet points. All while your captain quietly leans on the railing and enjoys the beautiful scenery of the San Antonio Riverwalk, where you never know what you may see any given day.