How To Masturbate While Traveling
Unlike most of my chauvinistic Barbie-hating blogs, this one is for the ladies.
I have a question for you:
If you're a gal who likes to masturbate with a vibrator, what do you do when you are traveling?
And this is aimed at my female readers because the only things most males need to jerk off are a free hand, some spit, and perhaps a Lane Bryant catalog.
I'll be more specific with my question… Perhaps you're a successful businesswoman who owns an extensive collection of expensive dildos that have become a must-have when it comes time to "discipline the kitten."
Now let's say you are sent away on business for a week or so… Staying in a nice hotel, eating with clients at the finest restaurants, but still having plenty of free time on your soft manicured hands throughout the week.
Inevitably, you are going to beat off in your empty hotel room, and equally inevitably, you are going to do so without the help of the pricy Japanese machine that has been efficiently bringing you to climax for the past year and a half.
What's a girl to do?
You can't take your toy with you because you're too busy to check a bag and God forbid the titanium anal attachment sets off the metal detector at airport security and you have to explain yourself to a mouth-breathing agent while scores of curious strangers walk by.
Well, ladies, I think I found your answer.
Sure, once you reach your final destination, you can easily go into any major drugstore chain, and along with an abnormally long receipt, you can also get some type of rudimentary sex toy in the CONDOM, LUBE, & DOUCHE aisle, but you still run that same risk of dealing with a judgemental cashier, or worse yet, bumping into an old college friend who just so happens to be at the same Fort Worth CVS that you are.
So why not get a little more creative?
Instead of CVS or Joe's House of Knobby Dildos, why not pivot just a tad and save some of your dignity by visiting the local FIVE BELOW?
For the uninitiated, FIVE BELOW is a chain of specialty discount stores that sells products that are less than $5, plus a small assortment of shit from $6 to $25… Sporting goods, games, fashion accessories, bath and body, candy, beverages, room décor, stationery, school supplies, books, smartphone accessories, novelty and gag items… All that stuff you can get under one roof for a reasonable price.
And what the brochure won't tell you is a ton of that stuff you can also shove inside or rub up against your vagina while lying naked on the bed in your darkened room at the SpringHill Suites by Marriott located in Fort Worth's historic Stockyards District.
I did the legwork (so you can make your legs shake), and I discovered there are over 1,400 FIVE BELOW stores in the US as of July 4th, 2023. They are found in 44 states and 987 separate cities. The greatest concentration is in Texas, Florida, and California, but you are usually a stone's throw away no matter where your travels take you (unless those travels take you to the FIVE BELOW-less states of Idaho, Hawaii, Alaska, Wyoming, Oregon, or Montana).
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I did EVEN MORE legwork and just walked around my local FIVE BELOW to find items I think may be able to help you dig for clams on that next road trip…
This first one is aggressive, but you know me… I don't like to judge.
The 26-inch Mega Splash Blaster has been called "the Mandingo of water toys" by me just now.
It's not for the faint-of-heart nor shallow-of-vagina, but if you are a seasoned vet, perhaps impaling yourself on this monster will cure that case of the lonelies.
The next one had me confused/intrigued/oddly aroused…
I looked it up (even MORE legwork… you're welcome), and the word "lymphatic" derives from the Latin meaning "to shuck an oyster" so maybe this implement could be used by an older traveler to access an entrance that has been CLOSED FOR BUSINESS for years.
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I found a couple of other implements that were questionable…
(God, no.)
(aggressive but probably not impossible)
Before I came across this section…
JACKPOT!
Nearly everything in this section probes AND vibrates, including this beauty…
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We can all pretend the "business end" of this thing is the flattened nubbed surface at the bottom, but if we're being real, this love plug's handle was made to reside deep within a consenting rectum while the skewered participant finger-paints her pink canoe.
And what are we pretending this next one is for again?… The packaging says it "helps soothe tension" but it never specifies where that tension lies…
I'm pretty sure that tension resides in the female undercarriage, making this yet another tool to be used when you are getting lost in the deep end of a ménage à moi.
I will touch on one more because it is probably the easiest last-minute replacement for a sex toy that can be purchased nearly anywhere…
Vibrating toothbrushes are obviously a lifesaver for the traveling businesswoman… They've been under our noses the whole time, but it wasn't until I borrowed one from my sister's DOP kit and noticed it smelled like an old tuna can did I realize this particular dental instrument has probably been through a dozen battery changes without touching a single one of her teeth.
I can go on for days because there is no end to my creativity, but I think I've given y'all a couple of reasonable options for the next time you fan the fur in the comfort of a Holiday Inn.
Sure, the alternatives I presented may not be the 10-inch animal texture thrusting and vibrating Big Sucker Monster Dildo that you have mounted on the side of your nightstand at home…
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… But desperate times call for desperate measures, and when life hands you lemons, sometimes you need to rub them against your vagina to get lemonade.
Take a report.
-Large
FULL DISCLOSURE: I bought one of these things for myself while I was at FIVE BELOW…
4 out of 10, wouldn't recommend… Felt like I was fucking a bloated tapeworm and impossible to clean.
TAR
-L