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Blog Wheel - 12 Step Plan For Going Off The Grid

Giphy Images.

Blog Wheel is back for another week. It appears I will be doing these for the rest of time. Dave Portnoy has personally promised me a job for life with a $25k bump each year as long as I release one Blog Wheel per week. I love this company.

The topics this week were not as good as last week, but better than the first week.

Here is my least favorite:

That's actually not my least favorite. I don't hate it. It's going on the wheel. I just wanted a reason to share with you that after Barstool Idol by friend Mitch texted me and said, "I am friends with a B-List celebrity now." No Mitch, you're really not.

This one is my most favorite:

I have been DYING to get into politics so I can put to bed the NASTY rumor that is out there about me being a dirty lib. 

Unfortunately it's not up to me what I write about. There is no possible way I could rig the wheel. I wouldn't even know how begin doing so. That would ruin the integrity of Blog Wheel, and I am above that. Let's have a spin.

I guess the political takes will have to wait for another time. That's a shame.

My 12 Step Plan For Going Off The Grid. Thank you @tylercroty.

It's about time I put together a plan like this. I have a storied history of making major life decisions very impulsively. I've never once given a job 2 weeks notice before quitting. One day I'm there, the next day I'm gone. Any day now I am liable to get sick of this shit and disappear forever. It could all happen in 5 minutes. Once I have a plan in place, there's nothing stopping me.

The Plan:

1. Cease operations of all social media accounts

  • Fairly obvious first step. My first instinct was to delete all of my social media accounts, but that would be suspicious. I need all activity to suddenly stop. I will however pick one of my enemies and like all of their posts. It will most likely be my gay rival Kevin. It would add an element of mystery, and make Kevin think that I might be coming for his ass. Look at this dumb ass text he sent me this morning. 

2. Hold a funeral for myself

  • If I really want to be off the grid, I'll eventually have to make people think I'm dead. If I'm not dead, people will always be looking for me. But I will continue liking Kevin's posts so he thinks he's being haunted by ghost John. 

3. Transition to a woman

  • I need to change my look entirely. Make it as hard as humanly possible for people to recognize me. Even though I am off the grid, I will need to go out into town for supplies from time to time. People always get caught when they go into town for supplies. Best be safe and change genders entirely.

4. Drink 15 High Noons

  • I will establish a base drunk of 15 High Noons and maintain that level of drunk for the rest of my life. Orchestrating a fake funeral for myself and transitioning to a woman will be debilitatingly overwhelming and extremely anxiety inducing. The only way I'll be able to handle it is if I never allow myself to become sober. There is no better drink to get drunk off of than delicious High Noons. Unlike other seltzers that use malt (gross), High Noons contain real vodka and real juice. With only 100 calories and no added sugar, High Noons are the perfect to drink for me if I want to maintain my voluptuous womanly figure.

5. Move to Thailand

  • I will get bored quickly living in hiding. At this point I should be good to start living a normal life again, as long as I establish a new identity. I will go by Jenny Rice. Jenny Rice will move to Thailand. Thailand is where everyone goes when they need to go off the grid. It is also a great place to do drugs and engage in degenerate behavior. I plan to do a lot of drugs. Keep in mind I will be permanently drunk off High Noons, so I will likely be saying yes to anything anyone offers me. 

6. Marry a feminine boy

  • If I want to fit in in Thailand, I am going to need to do something kind of perverted. Or at least perverted adjacent. Now that I am a hot trans women, I will need to marry a hot feminine boy. I will wait until the boy turns 18, but just barely 18. I will meet him on his 18th birthday and we will get married that day. To be honest, I probably wouldn't need to wait until the boy is 18. I don't think Thailand has laws. But I'm writing this blog in America, so it seems like I should make that clarification. 

7. Treat my boy nice

  • Once I have my boy, it is my job to keep him happy. If I neglect him, I could lose him. I will do all of the things my hot feminine boy husband loves. I will take him to those Thailand parties where people light floating lamps and release them into the sky, take him on elephant rides, feed him fruits in a sensual way, and perform other more explicit sexual favors. 

8. Ditch the boy

  • I have had enough of him. He's only 18 years old, so we have nothing in common. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life anyways. He's always talking about opening a restaurant. Owning a restaurant sounds like a nightmare. I'm sure I'd end up having to be a server. He went to culinary school for a year but failed out, so I don't know what makes him think he's qualified to do that. Sure he makes a delicious Tom Yum Goong, but he certainly doesn't have a mind for business. Plus, the only thing better than going off the grid once is going off the grid twice.

9. Move back to New York

  • Thailand was fun, but at this point I will be missing New York. I am a hot & stacked woman now, so nobody will recognize me as John Rich. I'm just Jenny Rice in the big city. 

10. Get re-hired at Barstool as Barstool Jenny

  • Now that I am back in New York, I am going to need to make money. It's not like Thailand where you can live off $100 a year. Barstool Sports has employees from all walks of life, but they do not have a trans woman yet. I have an extensive amount of Barstool knowledge. It will blow Dave's balls off that Barstool Sports has a hot trans super fan. Barstool Jenny will be an instant hire. 

11. Fight Joey Camasta in Rough n' Rowdy

  • I'm just assuming this will happen within the first few months of Barstool Jenny being there.

12. Take my desk back and do the exact same thing I am doing now

  • I love my job. I don't want to leave Barstool. This 12 step plan allows me go fully off the grid, and continue doing what I love.

Notes: I'm starting to realize that I have no fucking clue how to use commas. Also I haven't signed a lease yet. The landlord called me and said I'm good to go and he will be sending it over. It was just harder to say that in a tweet. Now I'm scared I jinxed it and he's going to change his mind. I hope he sends it soon.