A Machete-Wielding Monkey Has Been Terrorizing an Entire Town

When the day inevitably comes that we're all wearing rags and loincloths, being led around on leashes and collars by apes on horseback carrying rifles, just don't say your pal Old Balls didn't give you pa-lennntyyy of warning:

Metro - A very cheeky monkey has been ‘running riot’ across a town in Brazil.

The primate managed to get his paws on a giant jungle knife and has refused to let it out his grasp.

One resident captured a video of the monkey seemingly sharpening the knife against a brick wall.

The creature can be seen hiding tightly onto the weapon, which is nearly the same size as him.

Perched on a balcony in the town’s shopping centre, the monkey suddenly stretches down to run the knife against the edge of the wall.

Ripples of alarm have spread through the town of Corrente. ...

Local Alessandro Guerra – who shot the above footage of the monkey- says the animal has been running riot in the town for a week.

He told local media: ‘It lets people touch it, it even goes to their houses and many have already taken it by the hand. ...Those who are suffering from the mess are worried, as they can’t leave their doors or windows open.

‘Others are finding it funny, it’s become a meme.’

Tell me this hairy little machete-wielding maniac hasn't memorized the book on how to control a population. The utter fearlessness on his part. The intimidation. Putting fear into hearts by sharpening his blade across the wall, which is a staple of every horror villain from Freddy Kruger to Jason Voorhees. Classic tactics on his part. 

But it's not enough to simple scare people. Really controlling them takes more. As Sonny says in A Bronx Tale when asked if it's better to be loved or feared, "Preferably both." Yes, Machete Monkey will put you in fear of a stabbing. But he'll also offer you the adorable, furry paw of love. He gives you a choice. Join him and make a cute little primate friend. Cross him, and you'll wake up dead in a pool of your own blood. It's the old mob threat where they mail you money and a bullet, signifying Gold or Lead. It's up to you. 


I'm not about to tell the good people of Corrente what to do. That's up to them. All I ask is that they stay safe in the face of this very real threat. But sooner or later, Machete Monkey or someone very much like him (Pistol Chimp? Shotgun Gorilla?) is going to our new king. It's only a matter of when. Remember, you heard it from me first.