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Erik ten Hag's 'Five Strict Team Rules' For Manchester United's Players Are Such A Buzzkill

For most people being able to manage Manchester United would be a dream. You figure you're set up for success, Champions League, all that stuff. I'm not even saying this because I fucking hate Man U, but they are a disaster. From the Ronaldo situation to the Glazers to leaked videos of your front office guys meeting with fans. They are just a disaster waiting to happen. 

So with that in mind we're going to break down the 5 team rules that new manager Erik ten Hag put in place. They seem pretty basic, but there are two that are just an ultimate buzzkill. 

(h/t Daily Mail)

Rule 1 - According to the Daily Mirror, they include the mantra that any player late to training or team meetings will be dropped without exception.

This isn't too crazy. I hate people that are late. If you're 5 minutes early you're on time and that's cutting it close. If you tell me we're meeting at 10 and you're not there at 10, I hate your guts. Now that said, I need to know more about the no exception stuff. What if someone gets stuck in ridiculous traffic? Reminds me of the bullshit cube job I had when I was 24-25 years old and if you showed up more than 5 minutes after 8 you had to explain why you were late. Clearly different than a job at Man U, but you get the point. Gotta have a little wiggle room. 

Rule 2 - Drinking alcohol during a matchweek is also something that will be banned. This will essentially work as a blanket ban on alcohol across the season, with United regularly set to play twice a week due to European commitment. 

Let's get right to the point here. FUCK THIS. If I'm a player I might be forcing myself out too. You're telling me for months on end I can't have any alcohol? Come on. Sometimes you need a beer after a game. Sometimes you need a night just to sit on the couch and have a couple daddy sodas. These dudes are mostly smart enough to not get tanked the night before a game and deal with a hangover, but banned for the week? Come on. Loosen up. 

Rule 3 - Ten Hag has banned players from adopting their own personal chefs and wants all players to use the canteen at Carrington as their main source for meals. 

Ten Hag has sought to overhaul the menu available as one of his first moves, with fish and vegetables now more prominent at meal times. 

Now we're crossing a line here ten Hag. You can't be making me eat fish and vegetables all the time. What if I'm rich and can have my own personal chef? What's so wrong about that? You can still make sure I'm in shape. You can still maker sure I'm eating healthy. But let me have my guy who can whip up the best chicken in all of England. Not sure how this really helps the team to be honest. 

Rule 4 - The Dutchman is also wary of players keeping their weight in check and as a result BMIs will be checked on a weekly basis. 

Alright, no fats makes sense. Just a common sense soccer rule. Can't have a beefy dude out there wheezing after running from box to box. Don't get fat is just a good life lesson. 

Rule 5 - Finally, he has requested that all player grievances are run by him, instead of going to agents or other sources. 

Now this is a buzzkill for all of media. Man U is as dysfunctional as the Lakers. They are also a content machine like the Lakers. Why? Because they'll say WHATEVER and just leak to it to the media. It's wonderful. It's how we keep seeing stories. Feel like ten Hag is going to regret this one when his office is being used like a therapist. 

Ah well, all of this for maybe a top-7 finish. Tough.