My First Road Trip To Barstool HQ: Menopause And Pittsburgh Are Killing Me
I’ve been on a lot of road trips in my day. To Cali because Cleveland winters suck. To Nashville just so I couldn’t remember a minute of the trip after Honkey Tonkin’. To Florida to hang out in death’s waiting room. But this is easily the most important road trip of my life. I am heading to New York City to work at Barstool HQ for the first time since getting signed.
I’m not 100% sure why this is so important but it feels like a trip to Mecca. I need to feel the energy of the office. I need to meet everyone and truly become part of the team. I have to see just how huge Brandon Walker’s head is in person. These things matter to me.
So I hit the road with hopes as high as chicken wing prices. By the way, how did wings go from .10 to like $1.50 and no one even batted an eye? In no way shape or form are wings worth 6 for $10. I don’t care what kind of hipster rub and Thai chili sauce you put on them. Give me some regular old hot wings, some slimy, warm celery, and bring them to me in one of the red plastic baskets. The price you pay for wings should be felt the next time you take a dump, not when the bill comes.
Anyway, as you will see in the video things didn’t go quite as planned.
People keep asking me if I actually pissed on Heinz Field. Well that answer depends on whose asking, cop. Mind your own business.
Let’s just say, hypothetically, I did actually piss on the stadium. That would have made the small geographical mistake (about 150 miles off route round trip) all worth it. I’m not saying it was, I’m just saying fuck the Steelers and that house of horrors. They deserve any piss they encounter for what they have done to my Browns for decades.
As we arrived at the hotel where I would lay my weary head, I thought my luck had finally changed. Who do I see in the parking lot but the tour truck for the one my favorite productions of all time: Menopause The Musical. After some research I found out they were heading to Warren, Ohio. If there are two things Warren is known for its musicals about middle-aged women with hot flashes and having a plethora of rub and tug joints.
A three hour detour, an alarm clock that doesn’t work, a flat tire almost as deflated as my ego….what could possibly be next? I’m not sure but I do know that I’m going to find out. I will not be deterred. Nothing can stop me. I’m like the terminator except way less dangerous and way more hungry. I hope we pass one of those Taco Bell x KFC combo places soon. I like my diarrhea to come in a variety pack when I’m on the road.