Barstool vs. America presented by High Noon - Season 2 | Episode 3WATCH NOW

A Congressman Asked Goodell a Deflategate Question and it Was Everything That is Wrong With Politics

I don't know the first thing about this congressman Pat Fallon, other than he was apparently born in (the aptly named) Pittsfield, MA, he's a Republican, and he represents a district in Texas. 

That, and he is, like pretty much everyone in Congress, a bloviating windbag. 

This guy claims to be a Masshole. He's an elected official, with the full power of the legislative branch of the federal government at his disposal. He's got Masshole Public Enemy No. 1 sitting before him, under oath. Testifying under the pains and penalties of perjury. And this is his question:

A scant seven and a half years ago, another scandal rocked our nation, threatening the very core and foundation of our republic. That being of course, DeflateGate, where in an AFC Championship Game, the NFL footballs -- the Pigskins, the Rock, the Pill, the Hand Egg, the Melon, and the Leather - was mysteriously underinflated by 2 PSI (pounds per square inch.) This led to a multifaceted investigation - months long, thousands of dollars spent -- where the GOAT, Mr. California Cool, The Real Slim Brady, The Master of the Tuck, The Lord of the Rings, Tom Terrific, Tom Brady was suspended by the league.

Mr. Commissioner, I'm sure you're aware that many in New England worship Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. as a demigod of sorts. And being a New England native myself, I don't blame them one bit. So my point here, sir, is that this country simply can't afford another scandal, particularly a preventable one.

So I am surprised that in reviewing the league rules to prepare for this hearing -- this critical hearing -- we uncovered that the NFL requires footballs today to be inflated to a gauge pressure of between 12.5 and 13.5 PSI. And the rules don't state and specify the temperature at which these measurements are to be made. And the pressure temperature law states that there is a positive correlation between the temperature and the pressure of a gas when there's a fixed volume in mass. So how can we, Commissioner, guarantee the consistency of the PSI levels of footballs moving forward?

What the actual deep-fried titty fuck nonsense is this? You get to ask a Deflategate question and this is the shot you shoot? Who wrote this question for him? Selina Meyer's staff?

Giphy Images.

Who talks like this imbecile? I'll answer my own question. This is how you talk when you think it's how actual Massholes talk. Or how a shape-shifting alien would talk about Tom Brady if it was trying to pass itself off as an actual human being. I count six nicknames for the football and another six for Brady, maybe four of which have ever actually been said in a conversation. I defy anyone to cite and example of one time in Earth's history that anyone has ever spoken the words "That was a beautiful Hand Egg delivered into a tight window by The Master of the Tuck." It's the kind of banter a sportswriter would use in a Turner Classic Movie where the men all wear suits and hats and speak in that Mid-Atlantic dialect that only ever existed in, well, classic movies. "Whattya say, Sluggah? Why you certainlay hammered that ol' horsehide out of the ball yahd and gave that slipperay southpaw the ol' what foah! What gives?" The fact a representative of these once proud United States would read that slop into the congressional record embarrasses us more in the eyes of our enemies than any old man taking a digger off a bike.

More to the point, the whole speech led to a question of how we can guarantee football psi integrity going forward? That's what he was building up to? How anyone who as ever heard this thieving weasel avoid questions think he'd answer anyway other than the way he did? "Yeah, we measure 'em ahead of time and make sure they're good." End of discussion. 

Why wouldn't you ask him to release the psi data like he vowed he would? Demand to know the results of the tests before, during and after games to find out if the cold affects the pressure, like we all know and the immutable laws of science (PV=nRT) dictate? Press the issue of why he allowed Ted Wells to hire Exponent, an notoriously dishonest science-for-hire company who has tried to prove things like pouring toxic waste into groundwater isn't bad. Insist that he answer questions about Mike Kensil's role, why he told the Patriots they're fucked? Push the issue about the leaks to ESPN and why Chris Mortensen never corrected his original false report. Ask what exactly the Patriots lost a 1st round pick for. And why he thought he was ever entitled to know what's on Tom Brady's private phone. Instead of making up a list of idiotic nicknames no one had ever used before. 

In The Federalist Papers, James Madison said that if all men were governed by angels, we'd have no need for external checks and balances. Unfortunately, we're governed by insipid morons who need to be kept in line, otherwise we get drivel like this. Fucking bozos.