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There Was Zero Chance Russell Wilson Could Give the Commencement at a NE School and Not Hear About Super Bowl XLIX

It's a long way from Wisconsin and NC State, where Russell Wilson played college ball to the Ivy League. Both geographically, academically and athletically. But when you not only get asked to deliver the Commencement Address but are given an honorary doctorate, you say yes 1,000 times out of 100. Just don't ask to be called "Doctor." That's dooshiness on the level of the guy Elaine was dating on Seinfeld who insisted on being addressed as "Maestro" because he conducted the New York City police band. I'm a huge proponent of what Adam Carolla says, which is you should only use the suffix "Dr." if, when you're on a plane and the flight crew yells, "Is there a doctor on board?!?" your hand goes up. To me, other than that your doctorate is worth about the same as the Degree in Thinkology the Wizard gives to Scarecrow. 

Anyway, good for Wilson. I'm sure his speech was great. All full of football metaphors about driving toward your goals, learning from your mistakes, being a good teammate, working together to achieve things, knowing when to punt, and coming out ahead on life's great scoreboard, but understanding there's always another game, blabbity blah blah. But a guy with enough going for him to be extended this great honorific should be smart enough to know what he's in for. 

Namely, that while Dartmouth is a long way from NC State, it's less than two hours and 45 minutes away from Foxboro. Meaning the chance he'd hear it from some obnoxious, irreverent Masshole wasn't - to borrow a phrase - more probable than not, it was guaranteed. To a moral certainty. 

I'd almost be tempted to feel bad for the guy, because I am a Russell Wilson fan. But if he can read a defense, he can certainly read a map. He had to know what he was getting himself into. And maybe she should've held out for a doctorate from some other, lesser Ivy, like Penn, Princeton, Cornell, or Columbia. Even Yale, which is in the Demilitarized Zone between the Patriots Empire and Giants Land. But he flew too close to the sun, and someone was going to melt his wings. It was inevitable. It's just New Englanders sharing their culture with the world. Which is what campus life is supposed to be all about. 

As a side note, hearing this feels a million times better now that Malcolm Butler is back as our starting cornerback, as God intended. And it seems to me that his return is the most underrated story in all of Boston sports in 2022. Think about the ugly way it ended for him here. Now we get him back and we can fully immerse ourselves, not just in the Seahawks' misery, but in our own glory once again.

If anyone at Dartmouth had a sense of humor, they would've had Butler in the crowd to intercept that doctorate before Wilson got it. Be better, Ivies.