I Am Hereby Banning Coldplay From Ever Playing "Fly Eagles Fly" Ever Again

We've got to be better than this. I know that we're better than this. It's been a brutal stretch for Philly sports teams so I understand that our morale is low. But we can't just immediately fall in love with every son of a bitch who decides to starting pandering to Philly sports fans. Especially not when their version of "Fly Eagles Fly" sounds like gentrification personified. It sounds like an $8.49 cup of coffee. It sounds like $27.52 for 3 of the most bullshit tacos you've ever had. It sounds like a plant-based cheesesteak. 

Chris Martin. I get what you're doing here, and I can appreciate the effort. But respectfully speaking? Fuck you. I'm not a Coldplay fan. The music they've created over the years, I don't really listen to it. But I'm also not a Coldplay hater either. If they EVER, just once, even think about performing "Fly Eagles Fly" again? I'll make these blokes feel like it's 1776 again. Also Chris Martin can't even spell "E-A-G-L-E-S" correctly. Way to have command over your own language, jabroni. 

I want my Eagles fight song to sound like a fight in Jetro. I want my Eagles fight song to sound like a plastic bag filled with ice to keep those Keystone Lights at least room temp. I want my Eagles fight song to sound like a $5 Big Dick Nick shirt from the Wildwood Boardwalk. The way that god intended.