Amber Heard is Taking the Verdict About as Well as You'd Expect Her To

In case you haven't noticed, most speeches entertainers give after winning an award or that athletes and coaches give after winning a championship are straight garbage. Rambling, disorganized, incoherent. Part of the reason for this is that some of them are semi-literate imbeciles. But too low a percentage to account for the overwhelming number of pointless, shitty speeches. 

Instead, the main reason is superstition. It's pure hubris to have your victory speech all prepared in advance. To do so it to simply invite the gods to give you your karmic comeuppance and humble you before the universe. Just having in mind who you want to thank for your success is asking for trouble. A guarantee you'll be sitting there in your tux trying not to look disappointed or having to skulk off to the locker room to drink bitter dregs while the other guys are mixing up a potent cocktail of champagne and tears of joy. 

Which brings us to Amber Heard's eloquent, grammatically perfect Lawsuit Verdict Loser speech. I think we can all go way out on a limb here and assume this wasn't something she banged out extemporaneously at counsel table after the jury took her out back behind the barn with a shotgun:

That's the prepared, pre-written statement of someone who knew they were going to lose. Who knew they were going get their legal head handed to them and were already working on the spin before the foreman ever knocked on the Jury Room door to say, "We have a verdict." A loser's lament. 

I mean, this is just a punchlist of how not to take an L with grace and dignity. Blaming the jury. Suggesting they were smitten with seeing Jack Sparrow in the flesh. Acting like she was actually fighting for women's empowerment, like a modern day Susan B. Anthony in the body of a lingerie model. Going so far as to say she was denied her rights under the 1st Amendment, and that's what cost her the case. And not her phony tears and other generally terrible acting. Then of course, because this is supposed to be written by a Hollywood A-lister, it ends on feelings. Not the rule of law. Not a preponderance of the evidence. Not whether she got a fair trial in open court (presided over by a woman, not that it should be a factor). How she feels. And she feels sad. Therefore, what, exactly? The statement doesn't say. But at least we're all caught up on the emotional state of the person who just lost $15 million due to a judgment by a jury of her peers. 

And I use the phrase "suppose to be written by" Heard, because she has a history of putting her name to published words she herself had no involvement in:

I just hope whatever discredited staffer at the ACLU that came up with this word soup got paid for his/her time. And not by Elon Musk or Johnny Depp. 

Speaking of whom, it looked like he risked jinxing himself by having his victory speech all prepared. With the classic typewriter-mimicking Special Elite font, no less:


I'll assume he also had help. But it least his ghostwriter struck a tone that is grateful, defiant, humble, and above all vindicated for going through all this. And in his case, having prepared remarks ready to go didn't cost him. 

And thus ends the world's most closely followed defamation lawsuit. May it forever be remembered in the annals of legal history as The Defecation Lawsuit.