Hunter Greene Has The Biggest Nutsack In Baseball (This Week)
Weekly Awards is my favorite segment on the show so far and we're handing them out every Tuesday morning. I'll circle back with the full announcement of awards tomorrow. But for now, I cannot in good conscious continue living my life without blogging about Hunter Greene's balls. His nuts. The bag. It's absolutely gigantic and marvelous.
Having nuts isn't about just being good. It's what you do when backed into a corner. Or having a huge moment when your team needs you. Rising above the circumstances to do something special and inspire those around you with the sheer size and mass of your balls. That's what Bag Of The Week is all about and exactly why Hunter Greene is this week's recipient.
As we explain thoroughly on the show, nobody wants to be bad. If you make it to the big leagues, it's because you want to be there and you've worked hard enough to realize this achievement. And at that level, even the worst of the worst athletes are still remarkable baseball players.
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That's what makes it tough to be in the Reds clubhouse right now. Those guys have been fucking TERRIBLE to start the season. Borderline disgusting and brutal enough to start a casual "Relegation" conversation. But even more it's kind of alarming because you know there's 60 wins and 60 losses on nearly everyone's schedule. It's the other 42 that tells the story.
So needless to say there's some confusing emotions for Hunter Greene. Kid has spent his life waiting to get to the big leagues and he's inundated with bad baseball. This is not what you dream about when you go 1st overall and some say you have the best stuff in your generation. You don't dream about Joey Votto's spectacular regression amidst a near-historic stall to start the season. You dream about carving dudes up and dominating lineups and blowing motherfuckers away with your fastball.
A handful of starts into his career and it makes you wonder how long the Hunter Greene project is going to take. He's dead last in home runs surrendered. Dead last in batting average against fastballs. Dead last in losses and creeping up there in hard hit rate against. Overall just terrible awful brutal numbers.
But also the hardest fastball in recorded history. Seriously. This article is behind a paywall but it basically explains that he throws more 101mph fastballs than anyone in baseball history. Almost 6% of his pitches are that fast when the next guy on the list is less than 1%. By the end of the season he'll have thrown more 101+ fastballs than any starting pitcher in MLB history and he'll do it in one year. That's fucking insane.
It's the kind of thing that makes you wonder how long he settles in. And on the worst team, you'd expect that to take much longer. Everything is putting Hunter Greene in a shitty situation and he comes out and throws 7.1 hitless. Throws more pitches in a start than any other pitcher this year (118). Then he sits down with the media and sounds like a goddamn 15 year veteran.
Hunter Greene's balls are fuckin DRAGGIN fellas. They're big and smooth. Evenly shaped but the left hangs just a little lower. They're round. They're dense. And they shoot premium loads. That's how I feel about Hunter Greene's balls right now. Just a great set of nuts.
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For more on his start, what makes him good and a bunch of other shit around the league, please subscribe to the show. YouTube is great but I won't beg.