Holy Shit, Elon Musk Has Reached An Agreement To Buy Twitter For $44 Billion

Susan Walsh. Shutterstock Images.

(Source)- Twitter, Inc. (NYSE: TWTR) today announced that it has entered into a definitive agreement to be acquired by an entity wholly owned by Elon Musk, for $54.20 per share in cash in a transaction valued at approximately $44 billion. Upon completion of the transaction, Twitter will become a privately held company.

Under the terms of the agreement, Twitter stockholders will receive $54.20 in cash for each share of Twitter common stock that they own upon closing of the proposed transaction. The purchase price represents a 38% premium to Twitter's closing stock price on April 1, 2022, which was the last trading day before Mr. Musk disclosed his approximately 9% stake in Twitter.

"Free speech is the bedrock of a functioning democracy, and Twitter is the digital town square where matters vital to the future of humanity are debated," said Mr. Musk. "I also want to make Twitter better than ever by enhancing the product with new features, making the algorithms open source to increase trust, defeating the spam bots, and authenticating all humans. Twitter has tremendous potential – I look forward to working with the company and the community of users to unlock it."

So...that actually happened, huh? I'll admit that I had no idea just how feasible this purchase was, if $44 billion was a crazy price for an app full of idiots yapping (present company along with my entire company included), and some of the jargon in the announcement made my idiotic brain bleed until I called Large to explain some of it to which he smugly replied "Awww Clem, you're so cute" before hanging up on me. Okay that never happened but at least the first part would've happened if it was true. I guess you don't become the richest person on the planet that shoots people into space and becomes a pioneer for the electric car without getting shit done.

Nonetheless, Elon is the big swinging dick at the tweet factory now and I have no clue what the fuck it means for the app I have spent more time using over the last ten years than everything other than the part of my brain that sleeps. I'm sure people that love Elon think one thing, people that hate Elon think another, and everyone who feels any sort of way about that brain killing app have unlimited takes that they will be spewing out for the foreseeable future. We will even have the requisite group of people saying they are #done with Twitter before coming back an hour later after they realize having a weirdo billionaire in charge of massive social media companies is nothing new.

Despite all that, I just have one thing to ask Elon. Make Twitter fun again. I understand that is a very vague request and there are a bunch of other things more important than that which probably make my request impossible since there are so much fun sponges on the bird now. But I just want to have a place where I can get my D- jokes off and giggle at things written by people funnier than me in 280 or less characters. Hell, go back to the 140 characters if you want Elon. Make the bird red. Do whatever you want. But please, just make it fun or at least not suck as much. Namely more brainless stuff like this and less screaming at each other about utter nonsense every single day.

Also Elon, I know you are reading this since you are a longtime Stoolie that has been following us from afar as we've grown on Twitter together. I just want you to know that I never clicked on or laughed at any of Trent's blogs about you. I love the guy, his writing, and consider him a great friend as well as the best hugger I know. But that stuff he wrote about you with the goofy picture before any of us knew you were going to our social media app of choice was all very mean and any retweets I may have done are NOT an endorsement. I used the image of you looking smart as fuck while talking with your hands as the thumbnail for this blog because I respect you so much. Thank you my new social media overlord and godspeed!