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If Only Heaven Had a P.O. Box

It's nice outside. I take a deep breath, full of regret. As I approach the Williamsburg bridge with a backwood rolled and a bottle of Rose tucked firmly into my telfar bag, the breeze of the cold water brushes across my face, leaving a slight mist residue. It mixes nicely with the tears that can't seem to stop coming down. Its my best friends 26th birthday, but I can't call her or text her. I can't surprise her, I can't spoil her. I can't hug her, or hold her. Almost 6 years without Gabby. Gabrielle Quintal, the love of my life, and my closest friend in LA.

I haven't come to terms with my best friends death. I still hold a bit of resentment, towards myself. I feel like I could have done more as your best friend to protect you. You were my road dawg. We have countless memories together. I remember when you brought me to Drake's house for the first time for Quavo's birthday party. I was super nervous, but you made me feel so at ease. We grabbed a few bottles of champagne, some weed, and dipped into a movie theatre room. We didn't care about the party or the loudness outside. We felt the most at home, with each other. Laughing uncontrollable at the comedy special on the TV. Just us 2.

It was those special moments I remember and cherish the most. I also remember when you invited me to PartyNextDoor house in the Hollywood Hills in Summer 2016. And his team said "No Darkskins". you went off on the entire team, leaving nothing in the wake. When we walked in we saw Kylie half naked in the hot tub, lit af, & walked right back out, giggling our asses off. We laughed at how weird famous people acted, & vowed to never act like that.

Oh Gabby, there was so many good times with us, but I remember one bad time. It was July 2015 and my new apartment in downtown LA needed more time to clean my place before I could move in. Only one problem, I had absolutely no more money left after paying the move in. I was lost and confused on what to do next. After spending two nights sleeping on a roof in North Hollywood, California, I reached out to you and you called me a ride directly to you. You let me, my ex boyfriend and my ex friend stay there with you for two nights while they cleaned my place. We never spoke on that night again, but you saved me that night. You were always saving me. With your beauty, and your charm, you were able to get anything you wanted. Every man wanted to date you, Every girl wanted to be your friend. But I was the luckiest of them all because I was your best friend in LA. Every time with you was the best because you never had no frills, no fake shit. You always gave it to me, raw and real, never afraid to hurt my feelings so I could see my own destruction. 

I remember the last time I saw you, walking out of the tattoo shop in DTLA at 5am, after we had got matching tattoos behind our ears. I remember the vague phone call the early morning of your death. I had just spoken to you 8 hours prior, & the last thing I said to you was that you're my sister who I dearly loved so much. I remember breaking the phone I had, due to throwing it across the room after hearing the heartbreaking news of your sudden death. I remember the emptiness. The numbness. The pain. 

You died just after midnight while going 100mph down a South Florida road, colliding with a palm tree and dying, almost instantly. The story your mom told me about your last living hours in the hospital gave me chills. How could this happen? To the angel in my life? The one that showed me loyalty, genuineness, love and friendship. The one that was always one call away, ready to do whatever crazy shit I had thought of. Gabby how? We had planned our wedding together, came up with our kids names together. 

The sudden night chill takes me back to New York. Brings me back to reality. Brings me back to the present. Best friend, You would've been so proud of me. I finally achieved what we spoke about, dreamt about, Im finally living the life we imagined for us. 

Except there's no you. There's no best friend to keep me pushing. There's nobody to call about boys. Im here, but without you, feels bittersweet. It doesn't feel as good as I thought it would. My backwood finishes, and I pour half of the bottle of Rose into the waters as remembrance for you. You'd yell at me for wasting liquor but Im just praying it somehow makes it way to you. I'll never find another friend like you, not in a million years. There's only one Gabrielle Quintal, full of life and love. And a beautiful force, that took no shit and inspired so much of my current boldness and my "IDGAF" attitude. Come back Gabs, they don't love me like you loved me. They don't hold me down the way you held me down. and mostly, they don't see me, like how you saw me.

Gabby sometimes I just wish you could answer me. I wish so badly I still had you by my side. & I wish I could rewind time. Can you feel me thinking about you? Do you know how much you're loved. How much you're missed. What should I do about this new guy? Is he playing games? Should I move on? Theres so many questions I want to ask. So much tea I wanna spill to my girl. Instead I wipe my eyes and leave the bridge, hailing my Lyft down from across the street. Oh - If Heaven had a P.O. Box if only.