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The Real Housewives of Barstool

Finally! I've been given the idea for the HOTTEST NEW FRANCHISE...

The Real Housewives of Barstool 

For those who don't know (idiots), The Real Housewives franchise on Bravo is some of the best reality TV out there. A group of rich, middle aged (and mostly drunk) women fight with each other on camera every week, in a different city. What more could you ask for? The Housewives have been on a LOT of different Barstool shows and podcasts, and there are more fans inside our office than just the #Chicks and #Girls. One time some freak we work with literally elbowed me out of the way in the kitchen to get a selfie with Countess LuAnn:

Last week, CITO did an AMA on their podcast, with one of the questions being Housewives related. "What would your Real Housewives tagline be?" During the intro of every episode, for every city, each woman is introduced with her own sassy tagline. A few iconic examples of real taglines from this list:

“I May Be Married To A Plastic Surgeon, But I’m 98 Percent Real.” - Heather Dubrow, RHOC (Season 7)

“I Won Miss USA, Not Miss Congeniality.” - Kenya Moore, RHOA (Season 5)

"If You Can't Be Cool, You Can't Be With The Countess.” - Luann De Lesseps, RHONY (Season 8)

"Don’t Mess With The Boss, Because You Might Get Fired.” - Kandi Burruss, RHOA (Season 10)

"I'm An Acquired Taste; If You Don't Like Me, Acquire Some Taste!" -Ramona Singer, RHONY (Season 9)

"I’m Passionate About Dogs, Just Not Crazy About B*Tches.” - Lisa Vanderpump, RHOBH (Season 6)

"When People Tell Me I'm Fake, I Know They're Just Pulling My Leg." - Aviva Drescher, RHONY (Season 6) (this was extra great because Aviva has a fake leg that she would often remove and joke around with)

If you're a housewives fan, or you have friends who love the shows, I guarantee at some point in your conversations you've all sat around and tried to think of your own tagline. Personally, I love doing this for other people more than myself, because it's all about creating a dramatic story with a little bit of mystery attached. I would say I'm an advanced Housewives watcher, certainly not an expert, but I'm pretty good at making the taglines - which is WHY, Ria and Fran asked my help, and this DM came through. Why…hadn't I ever thought of this before?

Without further ado, here are the Real Housewives of Barstool taglines (for as many people as I can think of):

Kelly Keegs

"Knock knock, here comes drama"

Ria

"If you're going to step into my kitchen, you better know how to stir the sauce"

Fran

"We're all beautiful, but I'm the one with the brains to back it up"

Dave

"They say time is money, but I'll be the one to decide if you can afford mine" 

Erika

"If you come in here to start spinning a yarn, bitch, it better be cashmere"

KFC

"They've got it right, I am the one minute man…one minute until I can smell your bullshit"

Big Cat

"I usually like to keep the peace, but some days? I'll take my coffee second, and my tea first"

Feitelberg

"I may be a champion for the Boys, but my respect? That's for the Men"

Tommy Smokes

"Some people think I'm the best connected in the office. I'm not much of a fisherman, but I'll cast a wide net to get what I need"

Jordyn Woodruff

"Who has time to be Mean when there are so many MEN! Gentlemen only, of course"

Alex Bennett

"You thought you were jealous of my life before? You better throw on some shades, I'm about to shine"

Vibbs

"I've got an appetite for trust and loyalty, but dishonesty and lies? There goes my lunch."

Nick

"You think you know me? Think again. I'm a fortress, wrapped in a puzzle, with glasses."

KB

"I don't find the camera, it finds me." 

Rone

"Don't let my linguistic abilities get your tongue twisted. I only have ears for the truth"

Caleb

"If you don't think I can lead my way out of drama, we've never had a conversation"

PFT

"I've spent my time in the shade. You can see me now, but don't forget, I've always seen you"

Kayce

"Life isn't all sports and sex, but it should be"

Brandon Walker

"You may think I work hard for my family, and you'd be right. My family deserves to be able to brag about me"

Frank

"They talk about my raw dogging because they can't handle my raw talent. Anyone's welcome to take notes"

Brianna 

"Sure, I always say to sleep when you're dead…but choose wisely when you're awake"

Jeff D Lowe

"I'm not high maintenance, I just know what I want"

Kenjac

"I'm always serving up humble pie, and you look starving"

Nate

"I might be Crackin' Aces, but I'm serving King"

Trent

"Fame is what I have, not who I am."

Kate

"Family first, but I'm always making time for Me, Myself and I"

Pat

"It's time for me to come out of my wife's shadow and shine"

Joey

"If you're gonna talk shit to my face, at least compliment my lipstick"

Publyssity

"Don't worry, you'll get used to the sound of the Kettle. This tea is always boiling."

Glenny Balls

"The ladies love me…and they really like me, too"

Captain Cons

"I've got everything I need, but I'll always want another cigar"

@ the rest of my coworkers, you don't see yourself on the list? Don't worry, that doesn't mean you're not on the show. You're just a "friend of" this season. You'll get a tagline eventually, if you kick up enough dust. 

Xo,

Andy Cohen Kelly Keegs

PS here is the greatest Real Housewives sketch of all time: