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A Company Is Offering To Pay Someone $20/Hour To Sit At Home And Watch Porn All Day

I feel like one of these stories hits the internet every year or so which leads to a bunch of comments from people saying they have plenty of experience in the field and would like to stop giving their hard work away for free, which likely leads to some lolz or replies about how Tim from finance is soooooo bad for posting something like that on his personal Facebook. Tim is such a rascal.

However, now that we live in a world where everyone has gotten pretty comfy working from home, the job market is in disarray, and a gallon of gas costs more than 4 bucks around here, I decided to check out this job posting for my fellow man and woman to see just how realistic it was then report back in exchange for their click on the blog with the lovely thumbnail during a slow news day. This is what I found:

The position – Head of Porn Research We’re looking for a person to watch online pornographic videos. The task is to gather information and data points on certain areas of focus. 

For example: 

Sex positions 

Duration 

Number of orgasms 

Male vs. Female ratio 

Hair color distribution 

Language distribution 

etc.

First of all, I love the title Head of Porn Research. That's a title that jumps off of the LinkedIn screen and grabs you by the throat or whatever other body part you want to be grabbed by. If you want to do some light tweaking on the resume as all of us have dabbled in from time to time, I think you could drop the "Porn" and instead be known as the Head of Research for BedBible and launch a research career at the executive level in what I imagine is a massive field of sleep data or just data in general since numbers have become the sexiest thing in business, sports, and pretty much all other aspects of life.

Giphy Images.

As for the daily tasks, they don't seem too crazy. Writing down sex positions should be pretty easy as long as you aren't a prude that only does missionary like Uncle Chaps. You can get the duration by just looking at the scroll bar at the bottom of said video. Number of orgasms is easy to keep track of considering it's easy to see when a guy has finished while the female orgasm is just a myth while counting the genders, hair colors, and languages should be relatively straightforward.

However, the one snag in all this are those three little letters that spell out etc. Etc. can literally mean anything in the related field, which in porn can be an entire Pandora's box worth of chaos. Etc. can lead you to seeing things you can never unsee, unhear, or unfeel in the pit of your soul. Anybody that was on the internet in the early 2000s when it was the Wild West of videos knows exactly what I'm talking about with that etc. We're talking a pair of girls with a single cup, a party of lemons, or spinning meat. Whoops, I'm having a flashback, please excuse me for a second.

Giphy Images.

Even if etc. ends up being not a big deal, there is something to be said about separating work and pleasure. That's the reason I never drink Gatorade when I'm boozing. Because when daddy is hungover or needs some electrolytes, I don't want to have the taste of vodka running through my mind's tongue because I used orange Gatorade as a mixer when I blacked out a week earlier. When I hear the infamous PornHub drums, I don't want to think about being on the clock at the ol' 9-5 and grinding for a paycheck.

UPDATE: I just realized I could've used this picture as the thumbnail for the blog, which would've been a hit with OG Stoolies but gone completely over the head of any newer readers

You know what? I’m changing the thumbnail. Thank you for reading my dumb blogger thoughts. Here is the old thumbnail for those that missed it. Solid, smutty, but kinda feels like a thumbnail for a spam article.

AleksandarGeorgiev. Getty Images.

P.S. For the discinclined: