Scientists Are Back At It Again Claiming That Mushrooms Can Speak To Each Other Like Nell From The Movie Nell Starring Jody Foster As Nell

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Buried in forest litter or sprouting from trees, fungi might give the impression of being silent and relatively self-contained organisms, but a new study suggests they may be champignon communicators.

Mathematical analysis of the electrical signals fungi seemingly send to one another has identified patterns that bear a striking structural similarity to human speech.

Previous research has suggested that fungi conduct electrical impulses through long, underground filamentous structures called hyphae – similar to how nerve cells transmit information in humans.

“We do not know if there is a direct relationship between spiking patterns in fungi and human speech. Possibly not,” Adamatzky said. “On the other hand, there are many similarities in information processing in living substrates of different classes, families and species. I was just curious to compare.”

The research found that these spikes often clustered into trains of activity, resembling vocabularies of up to 50 words, and that the distribution of these “fungal word lengths” closely matched those of human languages.

Now I'm not as versed in the world of mushrooms like my cohost Kate. She would know a little better if mushrooms can talk to each other but I'm gonna venture to say this is just another example -in the long line of examples- of science just kinda making shit up. Mushrooms talk to each other? Really? How do you know? Do the mushrooms know you? Do they call you at home? In order to be like the mushrooms, you must think like the mushrooms. You must talk to the mushrooms. I walk up to the mushrooms and I am saying to the mushrooms, "Akay!… Akay Akay Akay?" and he is saying "AKay Akay!" and he is up on ze tail "Eeeeeeeeee!" and you can quote him! Spits. 

Anyway, I was thinking the other day about scientists and what have you. There was a jeopardy question involving my friend and longtime stoolie Copernicus. Copernicus, as you know, was the first to observe that the earth rotates around the sun and not the other way. Now, I understand that many assume that Aristarchus of Samos is the first to make this observation 18 centuries earlier but there's simply not enough historical data for me to believe that. I will admit that evidence is mounting but I'm still not there yet. Please respect it while I do my own research. 

That's the reason I'm saying that it was Copernicus who made the discovery. Sorry if that offends. 

Anyway, imagine being ole Copernicus and you notice that the earth is not the center of the universe. Gadzooks, you'd probably say. Because, lest we forget, this wasn't a time where you could just spout some science and walk away scott free. Oh no, my friends. You could end up deader than shit if you went against the church or its teachings. Copernicus did that off of just a hunch by watching the skies at night. No Netflix then. He had nothing but time. He looked and looked and looked and came up with an idea that no one else previously had thought about. It was like his era's spicy peanut butter and jelly. Genius but wreckless. 

Over time, that theory was proven. Sadly, Copernicus is now dead. BUT, rejoice, dear reader, the Copernicus of mushrooms is still around. He's out there in the forest with the fungi just having the time of his life while wondering what the fuck these mushrooms are saying to each other. I bet they are so god damn silly even though the only have a vocabulary of 50 words. That's not great but we can work with it. How do I know? Well, I've seen Nelly. She didnt speak much but she could say "Tree in the wind" or "chickabee." When she would say chickadee, people would go nuts in theatres. They loved it. I wonder what the mushroom equivalent of chickabee is. Soon, we won't have to wonder and that's fantastic. 

The craziest part of this whole thing is that all mushroom Copernicus has to do is make a few of these mushrooms into a tea and then start talking to the mushrooms a short while later. If he does that, we'll have the first transliterated mushroom to English (could also be Spanish or French but it certainly won't be Russian) novel in the history of the universe. To me, that's worth jacking off over. I'm gonna do that right now. You should too. Enjoy!

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