Hey Tiko Gang, I'm really sorry Ive been away from the blogs. So much has been happening lately. THE TIKO TEN podcast is only getting busier & more booked up and being the main person responsible for it all hasn't been easy. The days all blend together. I often wake up not knowing which day of the week it is. Everything happening so damn fast and I can't slow down. I can't afford to slow down. I can't afford to stop. I can't afford to lose. Even when Im hurt, even when Im tired, even when Im sad. My own expectations haunt me constantly. and they break my own heart. Going from LA, to Houston, then Austin, then back to Houston, Texas, back to New York. Dealing with live shows, recordings, events, meetings, fake friends, heartbreaks, disappointment, but also happiness? Because It's been an amazing journey being at Barstool for the past 5 months, but its really true. On your way up is when you're truly tested the very most. I know this what I signed up for. But gathdamn it's been a wild one. I shoulda known lol.
I don't have a circle in New York, besides two skater brother best friends. (Hey Jones, Hey Domo.) They be all I need though, so I still be good but even still - after 5 months of living in NYC, I still don't feel adjusted. The best thing about NYC is my job, where things feel productive, and creative. But still, the calls come; My father needs money in Africa. My mother needs assistance in Texas and I can't be there. I'm never there, Ive been chasing dreams for the past 10 years. My grandma is getting older and I can't see her as much. Losing team members. Losing friends. When I'm going through something, I tend to retreat into my shell. It effects my work, which I genuinely hate so much. Some days are a lil tough to just get out of bed. Some days I feel like a failure. Some says I feel like the man. Ive been thinking "Will Dave think Im doing enough?", thinking "Will I lose the best job Ive ever had in my life? My dream job.", "Will I get resigned in October?" I try not to worry about it so much, as this job means so much to me.
But then I realize, I'm only human. Im only one person. I can only stretch myself so much. I really do try to focus on only me, and my ambitions. But then family stuff comes in. Friend stuff comes in. Relationship stuff comes in. Social Life comes in. Wants and needs come in. But I keep telling myself "You're so lucky." I keep telling myself, "People would kill to be where you are." I feel like I can't even focus on my other passions; music, art, acting and fashion. Because Im too busy trying to prove to myself that I have to work harder at what is actually paying the bills right now, which is Barstool. It's the job I prayed for, for so long. And Its Mine.
I try so hard to pray away the self doubt and fight against the semi- depression that sometimes pops into my head (Thank you Barstool for providing "Better Help). It's usually just me, against me. My thoughts, my expectations, my wants, my future. I try so hard to be that girl I know I can be, that big break-out star, the one that will make Dave and Erika so proud.
Sometimes my paranoia makes me believe that Dave could even slightly believe he might have made a mistake by hiring me 5 months ago. Lord knows bringing the first black woman content creator to Barstool, is a whammy in its self, even if we have several years of a history/friendship. He knows Im no Tik Tok star, and also completely different from Barstool once was. (W/ MDWOG, Mircodosing, etc, I can't say Barstool is the same as before, anymore, ever again.) But even at other times, I can even start to worry over how much money Im making the company. Am I? Will that really matter to Dave & Erika since they know Im new to the company? I know my potential but it feels close enough to reach, but too far away to touch. I know Im doing okay for myself and Im working really hard at my podcast and my brand, but am I really breaking ground? .
Its hard not to feel small in this star-studded company, and although I know I bring something different to Barstool, and that The Tiko Ten is a truly good show, and has had some amazing guests, bigger stars I woulda even imagined. It has so much potential to grow big and get better. But still at times, I can't stop thinking… "Is it enough?". And I guess, that's the question that we all think. I vow to myself that I'm going to get better at being consistent with my blogs, because this is a safe place for me. And we all need a safe place. I just wanted to write this blog to tell you to keep going, keep fighting, and keep dreaming. Because that's what make champions. We lose, We lose, we lose, and then we win, and we win big. Good people win in the end. At least that's what I keep telling myself. And i'll keep going, keep fighting, keep dreaming… until the Victory is mine.
I love you Tiko Gang. and ill always ride out with y'all anywhere, anytime. Cuz baby, We in this shit 4L. and one day, it'll all make perfect sense. Even if that day isn't today. There's so much to be grateful for, just take the time to smell the flowers. Because in the famous words of 'Ye "People never get their flowers, while they can still smell them."