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Power Ranking The Wrigley Field Theme Nights Announced Today By The Chicago Cubs

Bobblehead schnobblehead. We're here for the Theme Nights and this year we're going BIG

Theme nights are important because Wrigley doesn't do a lot schtick. Save that shit for the South Side man where it's bring your ex wife to the ballpark, get a free restraining order consultation from Howard Ankin. They'll promote anything in Bridgeport but in Wrigleyville, we're selective. We only bring out the big guns and this year we're looking at 7 days. Here's how they stack up to an industry vet.

7. Ozark Day - I'm assuming they mean the show on Netflix and not the actual Ozark community in rural Missouri. In that case, not a great start where I have to make an assumption about the underlying source for inspiration here. Actually it's a bad look. But Ozark is a good show so we're going to call that a wash. Even so - drug trafficking isn't the most family friendly material to play with. For every two kids you bring to the park, the Cubs will give you 1 gram of unrefined pure heroin. There's a waterboarding station set up in the left center bleachers with introductory classes to money laundering being taught on the big screen in Gallagher Way (pregame only). Alternatively, maybe they wanted to get Jason Bateman out or maybe Netflix demanded that a Stanger Things day can't happen without an Ozark Day. Either way, ultra confusing promo but like I said it's an awesome show and that shit plays.

6. Shark Week Night - Is it a night or a week? Another confusing spell out of the gate and admittedly I'm not a huge Shark Week guy. You've seen one scary shark, you've seen them all. Don't anticipate my interest growing as we get into yet another failed chase for the elusive Great White. Nothing worse than nature shows that take you on some unfulfilled journey. THE WORLDS DEADLIEST OCUPUS gets approximately 0 seconds of runtime. Shark Week isn't far behind and now I'm wondering how we parlay this one into a themed night at the baseball field. The chum snack wraps should be a big hit, but mostly I'm picturing an eclectic mix of highlights on the video board. (It's a jumbotron.) A little tired but Sharks are still cool. That's because they're misunderstood. 

5. Stranger Things Day - Culturally significant. Great series to binge. Completely unique and original story. On the compliments go but again I'm stuck on execution. Is it basically an 80's theme then? Like maybe I just go full Canadian Tuxedo with my buddy Ryan Dempster. If that's the case then I'm all in without hesitation. The 80's got tired for awhile with the infamous barcrawl run of 2008-2012 where everything under the sun was 80's themed. But we've since graduated to the 90's where grunge nostalgia reigns supreme. I've had enough time in the cooling period to get back into the 80's and I'm happy to do it. 

4. Top Gun Day - Great costume combo and a nostalgic movie. And I know I just waxed the 80's for a comeback tour but this is too much. Top Gun doesn't put asses in the seats. People don't give a fuck about Top Gun quite like they used to. There's only so many Goose Maverick choreographed high fives that I can stomach. And this just speaks to a lot of that bullshit. But same time I love a full jump suit one piece. That's such a power move. If this leads to a bunch of onesies in the Bleachers and the Cubs respond in kind with HEAVY AUDIO during the fighter jet scenes, then I'm on board. If anything it's a nice change of pace and we're really honing in on the 80s aka when Tom Ricketts went to high school. Guy probably loves reliving the awkward years. 

3. WWE Night - I'm in early stage of the negotiations to get Big Cat to reprise his Goldust role but no promises. Even without him this is sure to bring the house down. It's current and relevant. You got big stars and monster costume ideas. Babes can get in on the action. Every ingredient is fucking awesome the only problem is I think the Cubs give us a PG version. We can do cold-war themed movies. We can do scary monsters and sharks ripping apart baby seals. But you know this is going to be the made for TV movie version. No power bombs. No suck its. No hell in a cell cage matches to start the game. Really just a sad thing if we don't go all gas no brakes but still a top 3 night on the calendar regardless. Wrestling rocks. 

2. Sesame Street Day - I've been wanting to get hammered with Big Bird for as long as I can remember. And I'm not talking a responsible couple of beers. I'm talking knock down, drag out, balls to the wall shit faced. My best effort vs. Big Bird and see who comes out standing. That's a hilarious visual. That big feathery yellow motherfucker gassing malort shots with me in Sluggers is something that brings the whole community together. And if that's too much of a stretch, just embrace how universally loved Sesame Street is. Think of another comparison. There is none. Everybody loves Sesame Street. Game isn't for 6 months and I'm already circling the over.  

1. Star Wars - I'm such a Star Wars fan that I hesitate to tell you guys because I don't want to compromise the trust we already have for each other. This may surprise you. But I fucking LOVE Star Wars. Remember a couple weeks ago all the hoopla about $6,000 weekend stays at the Disney Hotel? I personally (a) found that completely reasonable and (b) told Mrs. Carl that we're going at some point in our lives. Not tomorrow. Not for the anniversary. Just saying that I wasn't shocked or appalled in the slightest because that's how much I value Star Wars. I've talked about it at length on our old Sirius show and at least twice on a Snake Draft and it needs to be repeated. After Lord of the Rings, it's the most influential fictional story told since maybe Macbeth. And I don't even know what that means, just that Macbeth is a classic. Point is Star Wars moves the needle so much that it's clearly the #1 theme night. You have such a full spectrum of participants. Merch collaborations that make the panties wet and heavy, ready to drop. This is a can't miss night for me and there will be some kind of event planned by me for everyone in the neighborhood. Scouts honor. A perfect merge of two passions. 

What night do you want to see next? Reply respectfully in our moderated comment section below.

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