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Former US Attorney General Bill Barr Claims He 'Personally Reviewed' Jeffrey Epstein's Prison Security Camera Footage. And Wouldn't You Know it, He DID Kill Himself!

Chip Somodevilla. Getty Images.

Well, well, well. It would appear that one of the great mysteries of our time - how did the world's most notorious billionaire serial pedophile who owned his own private statutory rape island where he was frequently visited by many of the most powerful men on Earth just so happen to be found dead in his jail cell - has been solved at last. 

Fox - In a new, wide-ranging book detailing his experiences in government, former Attorney General Bill Barr pushed back on the notion that Jeffrey Epstein killed himself in prison. … 

Epstein … was the subject of conspiracy theories that he had been murdered due to information he may have had that could have connected high-profile associates to underage girls. Reports that proper protocol had not been followed by prison employees fanned the flames, but according to Barr, in the book obtained by Fox News Digital, there was no evidence of foul play.

He said no one entered Epstein's tier where his cell was located, according to video evidence.

"The New York City medical examiner had conducted an autopsy and ruled that Epstein killed himself by hanging. Other evidence also pointed to suicide, but it was the video evidence that confirmed the medical examiner’s finding," Barr wrote in the book, titled "One Damn Thing After Another." 

"I personally reviewed that video footage," Barr added. "It shows conclusively that between the time Epstein was locked in his cell at 7:49 p.m. on the night of August 9 and the time he was discovered the next morning at 6:30 a.m., no one entered his tier." 

The former attorney general recognized that "a perfect storm of failures" preceded Epstein’s death and that "[t]he fact that so many failures occurred at one time understandably led people to suspect the worst."

Son of a gun. Wouldn't you know about that? Here they had perhaps the most wanted man in the world right where they wanted him, quite probably ready to sing about what he knew about all these super influential leaders, businessmen and even royals, and that "perfect storm of failures" all "occurred at one time." So all those wealthy child rapists caught a lucky break. 

Sure, you might have had your doubts before. But how can you, after the former highest law enforcement officer in the land just confirmed it? It's not like anyone would lie about such a thing. Especially someone who's running the country. If he saw someone enter Epstein's cell, we'd be the first to know. Or if, say, the guards who were supposed to have him under constant suicide watch somehow got ordered to leave their post, any self-respecting high ranking official would spill on that in detail. 

It's just rotten luck for those of us who want the names of Epstein's monstrous pervert accomplices that everything broke the opposite way that day. All you can do is throw up you palms, shrug, and say, "Whaddareyagonnado?" Thems the breaks. You can't win 'em all. Thanks for checking, AG Barr. No need to release that footage or anything. We'll just take your word for it.

In the words of Michael Corleone, "If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it is that you can kill anyone." And I'll add, and get away with it.