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Kelly Stafford Offers an Important, Cautionary Tale About Getting 'the Worst Boob Job Ever'

Kelly Stafford on her "The Morning After" podcast:

“I saved up a ton of money. I did some stuff in high school. I worked in high school, birthday money, you know, all that stuff. Saved it all. ...

“I went and got a boob job. And Matthew was totally against this. He was like, ‘Do not do it. Please don’t do it.’ And I was like, “Listen, love you, but I’ve wanted this for a long time and this is about me, not about you.

“Went and got it. Y’all? It was the worst boob job you have ever… It was two balloons on my chest. It was so, SO bad. 

“And what’s worse is the Detroit media realized and started saying that Matthew paid for a boob job for his girlfriend,” she complained.

“And immediately I was like, ‘Hold on now! I paid for it myself! I bought these boobs."

A couple of things about this. Specifically, these two things. Presumably BEFORE:

And AFTER:

Beyond the visual evidence, a couple of actual thoughts about this story. 

The first being that Kelly Stafford is the kind spouse you want for your leader. Smart. Outspoken. Candid. And above all, authentic. I could a trait she picked up from beating cancer, where she just decided to give no fucks, be honest and true to herself. But if I'm any kind of a student of human nature, I'm going with my gut, which is telling me she's always been this way. And it's a damned shame she spent so many years in the relative obscurity of the bottom of the NFC North in Detroit. We've been missing out. I mean, how did we not hear about the fact she got in touch with that radio station directly to set the record straight about her paying for her own implants back in 2013?

It took a championship in LA for her to finally find her audience. And make a fan out of me. 

Second, let this be a lesson to all you aspiring cosmetic surgery customers. There are some things you can cheap out on. But as with used cars, store brand cereals and hard liquors, you get what you pay for when you purchase discount implants. Fake boobs that look like balloons are gross. No one wants to see them. They're not fun for the owner or the user. Before you try to save a few bucks at some Dollar Store equivalent of a plastic surgery clinic, ask yourself whether you want to look like the Bride of Frankenstein with your shirt off, or if you prefer to live with what your mama gave you. I can assure you that your average breast aficionado agrees with the great Creed Bratton (2:38 mark):

"I find it offensive. Au naturale, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots."

But if you must, take a lesson from a platonic female friend in the media who spent the extra money for the premium breast enhancement. Under the muscle. And they are masterpieces of the form. Saline versions of something Michelangelo would've carved in marble. She confirms the people she dates are happy with them. More importantly, she's happy with them. You can always earn more money. You can't always undo the work of some medical school dropout. Again, most of us prefer the real thing. But if you're going to upgrade, don't cheap out. Word to the wise. 

Kelly Stafford: Entertaining the masses and saving lives. When does she get her own talk show?