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Jesus Should Be Everyone's #1 Overall Dream Dinner Guest

-For the “who are your 3 dream dinner guests?” question, I feel like every person should choose Jesus as their first overall pick. Because even if you’re not religious and you don’t believe in God, I think you just gotta the lowdown. See what he’s all about. Is he really the son of God or was he just a random dude? Test him. Make him turn water into wine at the table. And if he really is a miracle worker and all this stuff is true, then you will probably be handsomely rewarded in Heaven. Otherwise, there might be a little hold up at the gate where he says like “Hey remember when you could’ve invited me to dinner but you picked Will Smith instead?” Straight to Hell. 

-I don’t like the “clap police” who thinks it’s their job to decide when it is and isn’t acceptable to clap. People get so mad when people clap after a movie ends or when a plane lands? Why? That seems like a great time to clap. You just survived the miracle of flight. You should clap. You should celebrate. You should go up to the pilot, get down on your knees and kiss his feet and it would all be justified. 

-I think I’m out on HIPAA. I went to the dentist last week and we were talking about work and he mentioned he’d seen a few other Barstool employees in the past and when I asked who, he said “Oh sorry I can’t say. That’s a HIPAA violation.” What??? At the fucking dentist? That’s not some private, sensitive thing that needs to be protected. I’m not going to think less of someone for going to the dentist. It should be a positive thing. HIPAA needs to use a little more common sense.

-Whenever I’m the first person in my party to arrive at a bar or restaurant, I always do everything in my power to make sure people know I’m not alone when I get to the table. I’ll start filling up multiple water glasses. Throw my jacket on a different seat. I want it to look like someone’s in the bathroom or something so people don’t think “Oh there’s Tommy Smokes by himself being a pathetic fucking loser. God I hate him.”

-Anytime I have a tech problem with a phone, laptop, TV, whatever it may be, I’m always convinced that no simple update or online solution will help. I always think I’m the first person that has ever had that problem and that I’ll need to buy an entirely new device but then pretty much every time I Google it, I find someone describing the same problem essentially word for word. 

-Whenever I’m on a long line, and it’s finally my turn to go up, I feel so much pressure to be the hero that goes quicker than everyone else did. Maybe it’s the Target self checkout line, I’ll sort of give everyone a look back like, “Don’t worry boys, I got this.” And I want everyone to appreciate how fast I am but I feel like most of the time nobody notices or cares. 

Thank you for your time.