If You See Just One Chase Through an Airport Involving a Drunk Woman on a Motorized Suitcase and a Bike Cop, Let it Be This One. Bonus: She Pooped in the Squad Car.
Every time I travel, I can't get it out of my head that it's not meant to be this way. That while virtually every other aspect of life has gotten better, easier, more efficient, more convenient, less work, faster and provides you with more leisure time to yourself, air travel gets worse by the month. Where planes were once the most glamorous and classy way to get from place to place, they're now glorified city busses with wings and a .5 ounce bag of mini pretzels. And at the rate we're going, they're soon going to be the modern equivalent of a Ben Hur galley ship where the passengers are chained to oars and have to keep time with the guy pounding the drum or get tossed overboard.
But as this video demonstrates, it's not like that for everyone. There are still people among us who know how to hit the airport in style.
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Source - A woman barred from boarding a flight to the Big Apple because she appeared drunk led police on a wild chase on her motorized suitcase — before allegedly spitting at a cop and defecating in a patrol car, according to a report.
Chelsea Alston, 32, is seen on the bizarre pursuit in newly released bodycam video at Orlando International Airport, where she planned to board a Southwest Airlines flight in April 2021, WKMG reported.
But a gate agent told her she appeared too intoxicated and refused to allow her to take the flight, according to the outlet, which cited court records.
“I don’t want no beef. I’m just trying to go home and enjoy myself,” Alston reportedly said, claiming she had consumed just two drinks.
Police officer Andrew Mamone responded and told her she was banned because of her glassy eyes, inability to stand straight and the odor of booze emanating from her. ...
“F— you! Suck my d—!” she shouts before taking off on her motorized luggage.
“We’re going to have a bike pursuing a suitcase in a minute,” the officer says as he chases the getaway suitcase on his bicycle. ...
“Follow me, and we’ll roll out together,” Mamone tells the woman, who then appears to spit at him before he and another officer place her in handcuffs. ...
“I only spit one time,” Alston replies before she was dragged to a patrol car, in which she allegedly defecated and left about $1,200 in damage, WKMG reported, citing an arrest report.
So while taking a commercial flight might be a descent into madness for the rest of us - just one step above riding in an oxcart - at least Chelsea Alston has the recipe for turning it into a good time. All it takes is "two drinks," a motorized suitcase, an indomitable, can-do spirit, and her own patented brand of sass.
The booze, I can handle. In fact, if you asked me to draw up a list of the best drinks to have, I'm going to put Morning Drinks at an Airport Terminal Bar Just Before Takeoff among my Top 5. But ride-on power luggage? That is a new one on me. It sounds like something Q would give 007 in the first 15 minutes of the movie. "It looks like an ordinary suitcase, Bond. But flip the handle thusly, and it converts into a high-speed personal transport capable of whisking you away from any, shall we say, any foreign entanglements ..."
Though unlike the Aston-Martin, the motorized carry-on doesn't shoot out slippery substances that make a pursing vehicle slide off the road and get you out of danger. Chelsea has her mouth and her anus for that. It's just a shame she had to wait until she got in the back of the patrol car before she took the Browns to the Super Bowl. Because if she could've dropped a deuce while Officer Mamome was in hot pursuit, she no doubt would've gotten away scot free.
Anyway, good work by the police on this one to bring her in. The patience on display here from this officer is beyond anything I've been capable of in my last 20 trips to an airport. And no one has been hocking loogies at me. Not yet, anyway. With any luck we'll all get to witness a scene like this in our travels, because it'd be the best part of flying. Until then, you keep being you, Chelsea Alston.