Friday Confession: I Am A Married Man and a Millionaire

The other night, I was yucking it up with my guy Kenny Carkeet in a group chat. Do you know who Kenny Carkeet is? You do, but you don't even know it... and that's the point. You know him because he co-wrote one of the all time great alt-rock songs "Sail" by Awolnation, a band he founded. Even if you fucking hate alt-rock, you've heard the song. Probably a lot. If it doesn't ring a bell, here it is: 

Like I said, everyone and their mother has heard the song. It's a fucking banger and dominated music so hard and for so long that Kenny was recently named a diamond producer of the track. It's one of 56 (!) songs to ever go diamond. That's insanely impressive. But... Kenny's not FAMOUS famous. Half ass famous. That's not a dig at him, he's super successful but for someone who's got as great a reputation in the music industry as he does, the general public prolly hasn't heard his name.

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Back to our text convo - we were discussing trying to get Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top on our music podcast On The Guest List. I was googling his management teams' info when I stumbled upon his celebrity net worth page. According to them, he's worth $60MM dollars. 

Ummmm wtf? I mean I love ZZ Top and they were super successful for a long time but I didn't think Billy Gibbons had that kinda money… and I know these celebrity net worth trackers aren't all that accurate but they can't be that far off, right? So if he's not worth $60MM, maybe he's worth… idk… $30MM? Which is still a fucking shitload of money? 

I mentioned this in the chat and this is what Kenny responded with:

Kenny saying that website guessed his net worth made me think "wtf? Kenny's not FAMOUS famous, so maybe that site would stoop so low guess my net worth?" 

And they did. I swear to god I've never been douchey enough to google myself before but the curiosity of knowing how much money people thought I had made me do it. 

Anyways, according to them, I have a net worth between $100K-$500K, but beside that, they also took a few stabs at publicizing other parts of my life I meant to keep private. Let's go down the list:

1. Question: Who is he? 

Answer: White Sox Dave is a Barstool Sports blogger and podcast host living in Chicago. He began by writing about the Chicago White Sox but has now broadened his scope to include other Chicago-related issues. Redline Radio, a Chicago sports podcast, is also hosted by the blogger. He is the ADTAPA Players’ Association’s president.

Is this fact or fiction?: Fact. All of this is fact

2. John Cusack, Barstool Sports employee have heated discussion at White Sox game:

Comment: On Sunday, while the Chicago White Sox battled the Houston Astros to keep their season alive, an odd argument erupted outside Guaranteed Rate Field.

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Dave Williams, a Barstool Sports employee, challenged actor John Cusack, who was born in Illinois. Williams, who goes by the moniker “White Sox Dave,” spoke with Cusack about switching allegiances from the Cubs to the White Sox based on which club is performing better.

Cusack instantly put Dave in his place, claiming that he grew up going to both of Chicago’s baseball stadiums. Finally, the two came to an agreement to disagree.

Response: Fact… sorta. I don't think it really got heated. I was drunk and trying to bust his balls about being one of those lames that "roots for Chicago" instead of harboring lots of hate for the crosstown team like a real fan. Sure, he was annoyed but neither of us got heated, at least not until he went into some insane anti-Trump rant on Twitter later that night. 

3. White Sox Dave Age, Date of Birth, Birthday, Family, what about his father, mother, where is he from? Early Life.

Comments: White Sox Dave is believed to be between the ages of 35 and 40. His exact date of birth, however, has yet to be discovered. Perhaps he prefers to keep his personal information off social media networks. He appears to be a reserved person who avoids revealing personal information on social media.

Response: Ummm I'm 33 and my birthday is October 30th, assholes. I've never hidden any of that and I am NOT a reserved person. I'm an open book. I never even hid Barstool from my old jobs. This was sheer, unadulterated FICTION

4. White Sox Dave Net worth, how much did he earn? 

Comment: White Sox Dave’s net worth is likely to be substantial. Based on his previous work in journalism and blogging, the actor may have amassed a sizable sum of money in his bank account. His net worth must be between $100K-$500K

Response: News to me. I'm scratching and clawing to afford a down payment on this condo I love and am trying to buy, and have been eating egg noodles and ketchup since the new year to try and make it work, but then again I have $47K left in student debt, drive a 2016 Nissan Altima (paid off in 3 years nbd) and live in a 600 square foot condo for $1625 a month. Add all that up and my net worth is somewhere in the negative $35K range I'd guess. "Substantial" is NOT what I'd describe my net worth as. You can all take their word for it though, I wouldn't hate being known as a rich guy. 

5. White Sox Dave Wife, His Relationship, What about Children?

Comment: He is a married man but the details of his wife and children have not been revealed yet.

Response: This is where I am fully lost. Unless I got married after being blacked out drunk at the Hangge Uppe, I am pretty sure I'm single and the closest thing I've ever had to a long term relationship is my hand. 

The left one. 

6. White Sox Dave Career

Comment: After the recent heated video with actor John Cusack, it’s unclear whether White Sox Dave’s employer, Barstool Sports, has fired him or not. He’s been documenting the protests in Chicago that erupted after Minneapolis resident George Floyd died in police custody.

Response: Portnoy fucking loved that interaction so I think I can safely that that I didn't get fired because of it. It'd be sweet though because paychecks are still hitting my bank account. I'll just let that keep happening while not doing any work anymore. Sure, our accounting team will eventually notice but I'm not gonna be the one to tell them, and neither should any of you. Don't be narcs

I also never really commented on George Floyd and though I have rocks for brains, am not dumb enough to do so. I have nothing to add to this other than it's FALSE. 

7. White Sox Dave’s Body Appearance, Height, Weight

Comment: For this part of the article, they gave this chart:

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Response: This part they nailed to a T. I'm insanely fit. Basically handcrafted by god himself. I'm also straight too. Celibate, but straight. 

I'm also 6'3" tall and 190 pounds. 7% body fat, but that will go down to 6% after a 30 min ride with Kendall on the peloton today. 

All in all, it was pretty funny reading this yesterday. Gave me a good laugh. Smitty and I will be discussing it further on Twitch today at 2pmEST/1pmCST

TUNE IN!!!