LeBron James never says or does anything that isn’t calculated and with him heading back to Cleveland for the All-Star game you just know the wheels have been turning in that receding-hairlined dome piece of his.
The Cavs are 34-21 and just a game out of the one seed in the east while his Lakers are 26-30 and a game out of the playoffs in the west. The Cavs doubled down on competing this year by trading for Caris LeVert while the Lakers were left holding their proverbial dick in their hand. LeBron had to sit and watch while the rest of the NBA passed stars around like a Kardashian sister.
These things matter to LeBron. He cares about optics more than winning titles and surpassing MJ as the greatest of all time. He proved that by going to the LA in the first place and if the Lakers won’t give that to him then he’s going to blatantly flirt with his ex right in their stupid botoxed face.
And last night the flirting began. It started with LeBron choosing Darius Garland with his second reserve pick over guys like Chris Paul, Jimmy Butler, and LaMelo Ball. Then, after he and Kevin Durant were done picking their teams and shitting on James Harden, Ernie Johnson and the boys asked if there were any trades they wanted to make. Durant said he wanted Darius Garland to which LeBron answered, “Garland is untouchable, man!”
This is the equivalent to the “Hey, how have you been?” 2am text when your ex is back in town.
We all know the story. Small town girl breaks up with her high school boyfriend to go away to college in Miami. After she develops a mean coke habit and finds out her dealer boyfriend is banging a bottle girl from LIV she moves back home to settle down and find her old self. Her ex, being the gullible Midwesterner that he is, takes her back with open arms and within a year or so they’re married. Everything seems perfect…until she decides to do some key bumps with the CMO of her husband’s tech company at the holiday party. Next thing you know she’s running off with him to LA and getting fake tits. It’s a tale as old as time.
And now she’s back again. A few years later, a ton more miles on that body, and looking through old photos wondering what could have been. Sure, the CMO was indicted for wire fraud in a crypto pyramid scheme and is facing 6-10 in the slammer but that’s not why she misses her ex. She misses him because that is the only place she has ever known true love or something like that.
Need more proof of LeBron showing a little leg in the Cavs direction? Less than a week ago someone close to LeBron leaked that he wants to play with his son and is willing to leave LA to make that happen.
Great, now she’s using her kid to try and get back into your cozy split level in the suburbs. After all those years of hard living it ain’t so easy for her to get into parties in the Hollywood Hills anymore and she’ll do anything to come home. Not only does this reek of desperation but it’s dirty pool. Leave the kids out of this.
The Cavs young roster is the hot girl who doesn’t know she’s hot. She’s fun, isn’t pretentious, and laughs at all your stupid jokes. She doesn’t care that you have gained a few pounds because she thinks your dad bod is cute and even surprises you with a six pack of your favorite IPA when she comes home from the store. Things are good. We’re happy over here.
Cleveland did the simp thing once before and yeah, it was worth it for the title. But not this time. Let’s see what kind of run this squad has in it before we go selling our soul, and our pride, for round three with LBJ.