Drive to the 405: Day 2 Diary Of Life On The Road By Billy Football (edited by PFT)
PFT Here. This is day 2 of Billy's diary of the trip to the super bowl in Los Angeles which I will be editing. You can find day 1 here. I have instructed Billy to not read the edition of his road diares that have been published so as to not effect his writing style on his daily diaries. I say its probably about a 50% chance that he followed my instructions which is actually way higher then I would normally give him credit for. I am currently editing this blog on I-40 W in Arkansas after what can only be described as a eventful 24 hours. We are 3 hours behind schedule due to events that will be included on tomorrows edition of this blog, but Billy maintains that we can "make up a lot of time" on the road if we commit to a positive mindset. I kind of believe him.
Day 2 was one of those days that the Coors Light at the end was worth it. Was rough getting it going after the 3am arrival and being too wired to sleep till 5 at least. The hotel was great but the road dog life left me dehydrated, you can't consume the amount of caffeine, nicotine, and nootropics without feeling the hangover the next morning. (I too feel like I got run over with a garbage truck filled with unturned guitars, but this is due to my crippling juul addiction which has already given me a sinus infection. My mission is to smoke so much vape that I am permanently cured of my addiction to it.) The shower soup was followed by way too much staring at the shower wall (Billy was defnitely cranking off. He wouldn't of included the part about the shower wall unless he subliminally didn't want everyone to know he was in poundtown)that made me late to the hotel lobby to get going. The car stick doubles as a great windshield scraper.
We rolled up to the kr(o)uger to buy some skyline for the road and then headed to city hall to meet the mayor (this also sounds like a euphemism for jacking it) .He was chill as fuck for a politician and we had an awesome time at city hall and ate some skyline chili with him. Skyline is actually an amazing delicassey that tasted like chili with Mediterranean twist on the spaghetti (credit to Cincinatti for being the first to invent Mediterranean spaghetti). I am now a huge fan. Only weird part is when I tried to press the mayor regarding the Harambe death tape which I know he has access to but he wouldn't want to leak (the word "weird" is doing a LOT of work here. Biden has Peter Doocy, George W Bush had Molly Ivins, and Mayor Pureval has Billy holding him accountable investigating the coverup of the incident which took place 6 years before he took office. The conversation went from the mayor telling us about the history of Cincinnati to Billy pretty much saying "lets put our cards on the table here. Who shot that fucking Gorilla?") . PFT tried to drive the truck but within 20 mins I knew I had to step up because no offense to him but he was struggling to see over the steering wheel (fuck you )and it was 2 inches of straight ice. Someone had to be the adult so I once again stepped up to drive the long haul. The driving was honestly way tougher than the day before. The weather was worse and I whiteknuckled the ride all the way (verbal meme- guy on the left: Billys hand position on this car ride. Guy on the right: Billys hand position in the hotel shower)
We had some trouble when the gas ran low (excellent use of the passive tense here. How did the tank get empty? Where did the gas go? Did the truck go rogue? We'll never know.)and all the gas stations had no power. We were 5 hours into the ride and I thought we might run out of gas on the way with no place to fill up
(This was a legitimate issue. The boy scouts motto is be prepared, and I am certain that Billy has a running list of who the first person to eat would be in any room he finds himself in. If Billy had been born a Uruguayan Rugby player I am certain he would of started eating the co-pilot during group 2 boarding). The best part of the ride is when the trees turned to pine trees that were distinctly different from the northeast (???) . When the Flora changes that's when you know you were making serious progress across the country .
We rolled up to the Bass pro shop and man is that a special place. They had a gigantic sturgeon and all types of fish that were amazing to see up close. Memphis had 0 power when we arrived and basically the boys ended up having 0 dinner.
PFT accidentally got placed in a room that already had a couple who were hell bent on smashing.
PFT thought the bass pro shop had given him a romance package but I told him that the bag of Victoria's secret and rose pedals were obviously not meant for him (I got to my room and found rose petals, brand new bras, yoga pants, chocolate, lotions, and I legit thought they were playing a joke on me. It wasnt until we found another mans bag and crocs behind one of the chairs that i realized they had accidentally double booked me into a room with a guy who had put together the most elaborate plan to get laid since the battle of Troy. Courtship has many formats. Some people download an app, some build the Taj Mahal for their wife, and others book a room in a fishing-themed pyramid and stock it with underwear) .
We then tried to go out and get dinner but all the restaurants closed due to no power before we could get some beer and grub. We couldn't find a spot till we rolled into a Hooters which we were so pumped to end up in but was just closing up for the night. (This Hooters was a literal mirage in the desert. Every restaurant was closed and without power, except for the Hooters. It was too good to be true. You ever been kicked out of a hooters before you sit down? Then brother, you haven't lived)We met an AWL who rolled up after seeing the truck who helped us find food and beer, and he said our best chance was to make a right, cross the highway, and go to the 2nd gas station, NOT the first one. We ended up accidentally going to the first one.
Going into the wrong Minimart there, lets just say the people behind the counter weren't the only sellers in the building. Long story short we got in and out as quickly as we could and even though PFT was the biggest proponent the gas station was fine and probably the second one the AWL referred to, he was the one hyperventilating (in the situation I was actually cucumber cool, but yes at one point the security guard there indicated he was actively entering into "look the other way" mode) and trying to crack a beer as fast as he could getting out of that spot. (Credit to Billy, he was able to extricate us from the situation just in time due to his extensive training listening to Navy SEAL podcasts.)
The beers we got there could have been the most expensive ones of our lives (getting shot in the face over a six pack is still a better deal then new york prices). Without the camo truck and illusion we may carry firearms, we would have been truckless, phoneless, and walletless in midtown Memphis. (If we didn't have the truck, we would have been truckless. Chicken or the egg situation. Silveradingers Cat.) Drinking that first beer in the safety of the bass pro shop pyramid was a feeling can never be recreated.
Currently typing this from the lounge of the Bass Pro Shop as (this is where Billys blog ended. All time cliffhanger.)