March Is Here. Wear It. | All-New T-Shirts, Hoodies, Crewnecks, Hats and More Now AvailableSHOP NOW

Catholic Cardinal Declares "Let Priests Fuck!"*

Fox NY- BERLIN - A prominent German archbishop advocated loosening celibacy rules for Catholic priests in comments published Thursday before a meeting of a German reform assembly.

Cardinal Reinhard Marx, the archbishop of Munich, told the daily Sueddeutsche Zeitung that "it would be better for everyone to create the possibility of celibate and married priests." His comments come as his diocese has been shaken by an independent report on the church's handling of sexual abuse cases over decades, which faulted Marx and predecessors including retired Pope Benedict XVI.

Marx, a prominent reformist ally of Pope Francis, said last week that the church needs deep reform to overcome the "disaster" of sexual abuse.

"For some priests, it would be better if they were married — not just for sexual reasons, but because it would be better for their life and they wouldn't be lonely," he said in the newspaper interview. "We must hold this discussion."

He insisted that celibacy won't be scrapped altogether, but said he sees a "question mark" over "whether it should be taken as a basic precondition for every priest."

Way back in the day, during feudal times, the Catholic Church ran an incredible racket. Way bigger than what they have still going for them. 

There was this traveling band going around all over Europe selling "indulgences".

What were indulgences?

They were get out of jail cards. But they weren't free. Not even close.

This Church group went town to town offering people the opportunity to literally buy their way "out of purgatory". AKA limbo.

And you could buy your dearly departed loved ones out of it too. 

(Purgatory/limbo, according to Dante (the poet, not the smut blogger), was neither heaven nor hell. It was arguably worse because it was an island mountain in the shape of a cylinder that you spent eternity just climbing up endlessly. With bodies strewn around. Fun times.)

Stefano Bianchetti. Getty Images.

Depending on the gravity of the sin in question, (you had to confess to these people also) they would tell you the price and you either forked it over, or got to saving up until they came back again the next time and just hoped and prayed a horse didn't kick you in the head or dysentery took you out before then. 

Eventually, the Church lost a shit ton of believers, and followers, and there was this whole thing called the Reformation, and much of this had to do with people waking up and realizing what a screwjob this whole thing was.

In response, the Church changed its stance and reversed course. Doing away with indulgences, and making confession free. Now they just pass around a basket 2 (sometimes 3 or 4) times a mass to shake you down.

I mention this because the Catholic Church isn't beyond change. Yes, they're probably the least progressive institution in the world outside of Islamic extremists, but when their backs are against the wall, and their hand is forced, they will cave in and say, "arite guys, God changed his mind and told us we don't have to do that anymore."

With that being the case, why they've hung on to forbidding Priests (and nuns) from dating, marrying, or copulating is a complete head-scratcher.

It’s the epitome of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Rather than attract more normal candidates to the priesthood, they have these insane demands written in stone to deter most people.

Plus, it’s just weird.

This German Cardinal has it right. Let’s priests fuck and have families.

At the VERY least, it will make a ton more sense having them lecture us on marriage and family if they can actually relate.

(If any of the nuns from my middle school or college, or any of the Fathers or Brothers from St. John’s or Loyola are reading this please forgive me for I have sinned. It has been 9,051 days since my last confession.)