Brace yourself for Winter Storm Landon, the douchiest storm in history
A large swatch of the country is beginning preparations for yet another monster winter storm. This one is threatening to dump two to three feet of snow in the Midwest according to some models.
That’s not what is concerning to me about this storm though. We’re used to getting shat on by snow in the Midwest. And for the other areas getting snow that usually don’t: Welcome to our hell. I don’t feel bad for you. Help out your elderly neighbors and don’t try and switch lanes too quickly when driving. You’ll be fine.
No, what concerns me most about this particular winter storm is its name: Winter Storm Landon. That’s right, about a third of the country’s population has to prepare for some little turdstain named Landon.
Landon isn’t a dangerous storm. Landon is late for soccer practice because he doesn’t like how his shin guards make his legs itch. Landon calls his mom halfway through the sleepover because he can’t sleep without his favorite stuffed elephant. Landon is allergic to dairy and his mom doesn’t let him eat sugar so the cake at his birthday party tastes like dry cement and you have to pretend its good.
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The only cool Landon I can even think of is Landon Donovan and even he looks like someone your sister dates and you’re forced to hang out with even though you have literally nothing in common.
What happened to bad ass names like the Iran Blizzard, The Galveston Storm, The Great Hurricane of 1780, Bhola Cyclone, and Super Typhoon Nina. Hell, even Hurricane Katrina sounded like something that meant business. Have you ever met a Katrina that wasn’t a bad bitch?
The 2021-2022 batch of winter storm names sound more like a high school lacrosse roster than a group of dangerous weather events. Atticus? Bankston? Carrie? Elmer? Tad? XANDY?!
All this is going to do is convince more people to name their kids Landon and we don’t need any more of that. The popularity of that name is already at an all-time high and I’m not sure we have enough treasurer positions in frats around the country to support this influx of Landons.
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Do we really need to be naming these storms anyway? This feels like Big Weather propaganda to me. I used to host shows on a newstalk radio station in Cleveland and every time there was one of these “major winter storms” we would have to shift programming for weather updates every 20 minutes. This happened a dozen times each winter and almost always it was nothing more than a few inches of snow.
No, the real reason these things are named isn’t for public safety. It’s so the major media conglomerates can jack up advertising prices while they have a captive audience that is glued to their TV or radio waiting for weather updates. Who is going to watch seven straight hours of the Weather Channel if it just says people are going to get enough snow to cause a minor inconvenience in their drive to work? Scared people don’t tune out and they buy things.
And who owns the Weather Channel? How about none other than the Blackstone Group. That’s right. And if you don’t know what kind of greedy cunts they are then you need to read Dante’s expose of the whole Neil Young, Joe Rogan, Spotify fiasco and tune in to “On the Guest List” this week to find out.
If you need me I’ll be snow blowing bad ass designs in my driveway because like Mike Francesa, I too have became one of the gifted guys at using a snowblower. Let me tell ya.