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The Official Positions And Jobs Different Dog Breeds Would Have On A Football Team, Coaching Staff, And Football Media

Decided to blog this out after a evening of debate online. I first explored this concept in 2013 doing a online Q and A with Peter King, and while Im sure I wasnt the first to bring it up and I wont be the last, I wanted to flesh it out not only with the athletes themselves, but also coaching staffs and the media side as well. I am open to constructive debate but in my opinion theyre all good dogs

Offense

QB Australian Shepherd

Zuzule. Getty Images.

The smartest dog there is for my money. Coach on the field. Elite elusiveness , tremendous explosiveness, plus hyper intelligence to make pre-snap adjustments while also retaining the abilty to focus on big picture. Patrick Mahomes with Max Scherzers eyes

FB English Bulldog

Fresno Bee. Getty Images.

The American Bulldog is slightly stronger but the british bulldog has a much lower center of gravity and low dog wins. Tenacious as hell and has the ability to get fixated on its assignment. Very handsome in a ugly way

RB: Border Collie

Giphy Images.

Game-changing footspeed and lateral quickness. Equally intelligent to the aussie in terms of spacial awareness but can hit a corner if you need to work the edges. One paw in the ground and see ya. The Border Collie is deadly in the passing game as well, and due to its protective nature is a much-needed in pass blocking facets of todays NFL

WR1: Greyhound

Ralf Bitzer / EyeEm. Getty Images.

Speed kills. 40 mph in the open field. Blink an eye and hes gone. Kind of a DK Metcalf straight line speed guy, in that he turns with roughly the same percision as a aircraft carrier, but will command a safety every time or else its 6 in your eyeball. Subject to laziness and will dog it when hes not primary receiver but the good news is when you’ve got a Randy Moss at WR1 it dosent really matter

WR2: Golden Retreiver

Disney. Shutterstock Images.

Next question

Slot Guy if necessary: Austin Collie

Andy Lyons. Getty Images.

TE: Rottwiler

alberto clemares expósito. Getty Images.

This motherfucker takes pride in his blocking abilty. We are built to not only destroy the opponents will, but his mike and sam also. This is the Greg Kittle of dogs, you will not tackle him unless he allows you to. We will average 7 yards per carry

LT: Great Dane

Drew Angerer. Getty Images.

Some people think this is a position for a St Bernard, HOWEVER (Steven a Smith/Shawn Hoculi voice) times change, and so does the NFL. We want an all around athlete at tackle not just a big body. Can be lanky, but with the help of our strength and conditioning program (more on that later) he will be a god damn mauler and with his long arms he will neuter your pass rush. I will get him in space on screens and zone blocking plays on the edge and with his desterty you will never lay a hand on our QB

LG: English Mastiff

Giphy Images.

Biggest strongest dog in the world. Not super intelligent but he only has two jobs- to protect the QB and to run over everything. If your on his team he will love you unconditionally, but if you try to attack anyone he loves, you will wish your bitch* mother strangled you at birth

*not being disrespectful this is a dog word

C: Bernese Moutain Dog

Matthew Eisman. Getty Images.


A little lighter then the mastiff but also significantly more intelligent and stubborn. Responsible for calling out adjustments at the line, keeping the mastiffs head in the game. It is also a big shaggy mess that would look cool with its hair popping out of the helmet

RG: Newfoundland

SvetaElfimova. Getty Images.


A mudder. Can operate in the snow or rain. Slightly lighter than the mastiff, the newfy is still a god damn giant. It will get extremely stinky without regular baths, and is smart enough to be good at cheating. The Mark Schlereth of dogs

RT: Irish Wolfhound

Frank Augstein. Shutterstock Images.


Same logic as the Dane but has superior ball skills for gadget plays and fat dog touchdowns. This dog would look badass in the snow with no sleeves. Also plays with extra chip on its shoulder during London games

Defense

EDGE: Doberman

Shutterstock Images.

Huge burst off the edge and is trained to take people down in space. Due to its historical usage it is very effective when blitzing. Can also easily drop into coverage on zone assingments

DT: St Bernard

Shutterstock Images.

Space eater. Minimum Double team or else hes getting home. Carries barrels of brandy on its neck to heat up the QB 

DT: Tibetan Mastiff

China Photos. Getty Images.

Vita Vea type with its mane, absolute monster of a dog. Intimidation personified. Free Tibet btw. 

EDGE: Cane Corso

Future Publishing. Getty Images.

This dog is fucking rocked up. Matchup nightmare. TJ Watt of dogs. Violent, loyal, faster than fuck, nose for the ball. Skin ultra tight so you coudnt hold him or her if you tried. Your quarterback will die.

Will LB: Pit Bull

Future Publishing. Getty Images.

Elite Athleticism to guard crossing routes and will never ever ever miss a tackle. Can pin his ears back if necessary and rush the passer as well due to its inherited hatred of certain mobile QBs

Mike LB: German Shepherd

Anton Novoderezhkin. Getty Images.

MLB Wears the green dot so his coach a police officer will be giving him instructions on who to kill. Specifically Id like this dog to be Major Biden. Will wreck any gameplan no matter how carefully youve prepared for him. Will also bite nosy journalists in postgame. Agile enough to cover crossing routes but you better bring two guys to block him or else.  

Sam LB: Husky/ Alaskan Malamute (theyre the same dog come on). 

Iulia Zemtsova . Getty Images.


Built for playoff weather. Extremely fast and powerful, yet Has the mindset to literally never stop eating until it dies so will have no problem maintaining weight to cover big tight ends. Hyper intelligent and puts in all the extra reps on the blocking sled. Very vocal and commucative

CB: Blue Heeler

AFP Contributor. Getty Images.

Smart, unlimited energy, tremendous leaper, coachable, fluid hips, choppy steps, ball skills, keeps everything in front of him and takes elite angles to funnel everything back inside. Will need psychological coaching to filter out haters on account of it concerns itself with sheep

CB: Red Heeler

Shutterstock Images.

See Blue Heeler, except this ones red

SS: Belgian Malinois yes yes we all thought of the German Shepherd joke here too

Rick Friedman. Getty Images.

Probably pound for pound the best athlete on the field. Sure tackler, neutralizes the bomb, and can play literaly any position. Troy Pawamalu kind of dog that will outthink you at every step and outwrestle you once youve caught up to its brain. If ISIS has a team theyre fucked

FS: Pointer

Shutterstock Images.

Speed, intelligence, and the instincts to track down any wounded ducks make the short haired pointer a PFT ‘must-have’ in the secondary

On Field:

Referee: Bloodhound

Steve Finn. Getty Images.


The ultimate detective.

Ambulance Driver: Dalmation

Dario Cantatore. Getty Images.

Chain gang: Six French Bulldogs

TIMOTHY A. CLARY. Getty Images.

Coaching Staff:

Strength and Conditioning Coach: Fila Braselioro

olgagorovenko. Getty Images.

The filas breed description is literally “this dog is bred to kill everything, especially strangers.” It will keep you the fuck in line. It bonds to one person or family unit to the point where they had to make up a word in Brazillian to describe how mistrustful of strangers it is. I knew a Fila once, and it was in dog shows where the judges were instructed to not deduct points if it tried to bite them because that is what the dog is suppose to do. Dont let it anywhere near the media or any of the players families. The fact that this dog was bred to guard south american plantations in its temperament means hes probably going to get hired by Urban Meyer first though

Get Back Coach: Service Dog

Shutterstock Images.

Offensive Line Coach: Pug

Dane Sigua. Getty Images.

The big boys up front will laugh and kid about him behind his back, but this motherfucker knows his shit and he means business, so they repsect him as they would their own father

Offensive Coordinator: Chocolate Lab

Justin Paget. Getty Images.

Former elite college QB that got unlucky injuries due to playing fetch on fedex field probably. Intelligent, organized, and likable enough to always be a potential threat to replace the head coach if he ever slips up

Linebacker Coach/Potential Interim Head Coach: Boxer

Chris Amaral. Getty Images.

Was record-setting tackling linebacker at his DII college, probably somewhere in Ohio. But just didnt have the size to make it in the show despite being drafted in the 5th round. Endless respect from its teammates and the other coaches. Outstanding understanding of technique and can still be mean enough to kick the head coaches ass if he forgets where he came from

Defensive Coordinator: Akita

Eudyptula. Getty Images.


The Akita will never get a head coaching opportunity because its too stubborn and occasionally emotional to represent a entire franchise. Kind of looks like hes always wearing a hoodie. Looks kind of like the doge dog which could be funny in training camp skits when the rookie doberman has to do aimpression. Will pretend to laugh at itself during the skit, but will secretly hold ill-will until it can make the doberman throw up from extra conditioning drills. Sometimes too aggressive, but will retire before it changes its ways

Head Coach: Mutt

GlobalP. Getty Images.


Has all the best attributes of every breed. Can relate to every dog in the lockeroom like Bruce Arians. Understands every position and will coach until its 115 in dog years. Had to scrap and claw for everything its got. Its dad was probably the navy goat for all it knows

Media:

Sideline Reporter: Corgi

Giphy Images.


Intelligent, inquisitive, and Cute as hell. Will also look hilarious in post-game interviews standing next to giant great danes and would be hilarious carrying around a giant thermometer

Play By Play Dog: Beagle

alaskla. Getty Images.


Extremely presentable and likable, talkative enough to always want to narrate, but also the most clean cut. Definitely went to Syracuse

Color Commentator: Goldendoodle

albertck. Getty Images.


Fun enough to want to hang out with,probly chased a significant amount of tail in its day,  intelligent enough to identify different guys, but also is just slightly fancy looking enough to keep the sponsors happy

Studio Show Host: Shih-tzu

fotojagodka. Getty Images.


Spends 3 hours in hair and make-up and is secretly hated by everyone else, but is wildly successful at its only job which is to look expensive

Analytics Studio Show Panelist: Chihuahua

kuricheva. Getty Images.

He never played the game but wont shut up about adjusted ypa and win rate +

Old Out Of Date Coach Who Gets Mad At The Analytics Guy: Basset Hound

GlobalP. Getty Images.


Speaks authoritavely, moves slowly, drools on itself and somehow gets food on its ears but is the most lovable person on set

NFL Insider: Leroy

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Football Podcast host: Stella

League Commissioner: Boston Dynamics Robot Dog

Anadolu Agency. Getty Images.


Pretty much a emotionless nazi whose only job is to enforce the rules of the owners and make billionaires alot of money