If you're looking for proof positive that in the multiverse model of the cosmos with an infinite number of parallel timelines that we are all living in the worst possible one, look no further than this. The best weekend of playoff football ever was capped off by one of the most unforgettable games ever, and it quickly degenerated into a debate about Patrick Mahomes' wife and brother. Because they are two of the most insufferable products of the TikTok era in pro sports, and that is saying something.
And together their worst crime is making the country root against one of most remarkable and likable athletes of our lifetimes, just so we don't have to suffer these fools gladly at our nation's most sacred secular holiday in three weeks:
To be fair,
… reasonable people can differ on whether or not Brittany Matthews was wrong to empty a bottle of champagne all over people who did not volunteer to have champagne dumped all over them. I suppose if my team had just won a playoff game of that magnitude, I wouldn't care if she dumped boiling oil on me. But then again, covering me with sticky, fermented grape squishings without my consent is a bit of a personal violation. Especially since it's going to give my hair and clothes a scent on the drive home that the State Police refer to as "probably cause" for an arrest.
And she certainly has her defenders amidst the public backlash:
Which she is grateful for:
But her real gem is this. Not an apology. Not an admission of being wrong. No version whatsoever of "mistakes were made" None of those things. All she wants is to do whatever she wants:
That's not too big an ask, is it? Who among us doesn't deserve the right to do whatever the hell we want? Whenever we want. To whomever we want. Free to pursue that which brings us joy in a totally consequence-free environment like Nietzsche's Superman. To say what we want to say. Go where we want to go. Post what we want to post. Spray what we want to spray in the direction of our choosing. But without all the messy criticism that cuts into the fun of it all. After all, isn't that what the TikTok demographic means when they use words like adulting?
Apparently not everyone agrees:
And that's where we stand, two days after the events in question. You're either against a great athlete's family members cashing in on his fame by being annoying, or you're on Team Leave Brittany Alone:
But I think the vast majority of us in the middle are simply on Team Bengals. We beg of you, Cincy, please spare us from these unbearable dooshnozzles so we can enjoy the Super Bowl.