It's About God Damn Time M&Ms (A Candy) Became More Inclusive

I thought that was an Onion headline. I'm still not convinced it's not and they posted it on the wrong website or something. Because who in their right mind looks at M&Ms and goes "I sure wish one of those multi-colored bite sized candies looked more like ME". Like, I get the importance of companies being inclusive of all. Representation matters, fully agree. But has anyone ever, and I mean EVER, looked at the yellow M&M and even considered it had a race, nationality, or background? We're really just living in bizarro world:

Mars, Incorporated, the company behind the colorful, candy-coated chocolates, announced Thursday a “global commitment to creating a world where everyone feels they belong and society is inclusive.”

As part of the new mission to increase the “sense of belonging for 10 million people around the world by 2025,” Mars said the M&M’s characters — who serve as mascots of sorts for the brand — would be receiving fresh, new looks.

“I think we all win when we see more women in leading roles, so I’m happy to take on the part of supportive friend when they succeed,” the green M&M said on the promotional site.

Another character, the brown M&M, described her motto as, “Not bossy. Just the boss.”

We're taking quotes from the Green M&M now? Ugh. Sometimes we're just doing too much. And you already know what the makeovers are going to look like. It's going to be a bunch of M&Ms who look like they write for Deadspin. A bunch of M&Ms with "words at" in their Twitter bio. Somehow, someway, eating M&Ms is about to become political. It's like the Shane Gillis joke, your FOX News dad is going to be watching Tucker and get angry that the orange M&M is trans. I will say though, the green one is smoking hot and should be bi. We're all thinking it, shut up. 

I don't know why we need to now assign character traits to candy, but here we are. And despite the absurdity of it and how annoying it will be at launch, I'm here for it. There's just something funny about a bunch of suits sitting around a table discussing what sort of background the red M&M should have. How was his childhood? Did he know the blue M&M growing up? It's just all so stupid yet these major companies think it's so important. Meanwhile we just want to eat M&Ms. 

By the way during the 2020 lockdown I think I single handily kept the Peanut M&M factory in business. I was eating so many god damn Peanut M&Ms to the point I think I developed a peanut allergy. I don't know if that's scientifically possible, but I can't eat peanuts anymore and the correlation seems to be there. So maybe they'll make a mid-30's, balding, socially awkward M&M to be a little more inclusive to me, it's the least they can do.