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Timo Meier Became The Greatest Hockey Player On The Planet With A Heroic 5 Goal Game

Kavin Mistry. Getty Images.

For the past 5 seasons Timo Meier has been a perfectly fine NHL player. He was a top 10 draft pick by the San Jose Sharks in 2015. He was a 30-goal scorer in 2018-19. He's the type of player who you can rely on for 50 points in a season. And this year he was named to the Pacific Division All Star Team. Very good player, but I'm not sure if anybody out there was talking about generational talent Timo Meier. 

Then this psychopath decided to wake up, take his morning piss, eat a bowl of Cheerios, drive to the rink, and proceed to become the most dominant player in NHL history today. It all started 3 minutes into the Sharks game against LA when Timo got the party started with the first goal of the game. 

His 16th goal of the season. Pretty decent, but this sick bastard was just warming up. It was time to get selfish. It was time to get greedy. So just under 19 minutes into the 1st period, it was Timo Time again. 

There was only a minute 12 left in the 1st period. No chance could he secure the hatty in the 1st, right? 


21 seconds later I hope you didn't wear your favorite hat to the Shark Tank because that shit was heading straight to the ice. 

Decent first 20 minutes of the night for Timo Meier. I don't think anybody would blame him if he just took the rest of the night off. He already did his job, he could just coast the rest of the day. But again, Timo Meier became the greatest hockey player on the planet and he wasn't going to let those superpowers go to waste. Even after a quick break and a fresh sheet of ice during intermission, Timo Meier came out on his first shift of the 2nd period and kept the party going. 

THE ROOSTER. 4 goals in one game. If Joe Thornton would have his cock out if he scored four goals. He'd have his cock out, stroking it. Just over 6 minutes of ice time. 5 shots. 4 goals. What a freak. At this point if you redid the 2015 draft, McDavid goes to Buffalo. 

UPDATE:  As I was writing this blog, TIMO MEIER SCORED HIS 5TH GOAL OF THE NIGHT. The man is unstoppable! What a menace to society. Make that 5 goals in 11:38 TOI. 


Timo couldn't put in his 6th in the 3rd despite a couple great chances. Probably in the best interest of the broadcast. It would have been real difficult for them to blur out that massive hog when he potted home his 6th of the game. But 5 goals on 6 shots in 18 minutes,,,not a bad day at all.