I Hope Hank Keeps Getting That Rico Dick He So Desperately Needs

Hank Lockwood made "The Case For Rico Bosco" today, something which reads like the ramblings of a wife whose husband is nearing the end of his murder trial making a last-ditch effort to rationalize the behavior of a monster she's been in bed with for decades.

I'm all in favor of Hank writing whatever he wants. I believe the most effective strategy to curb stupidity is broadcast it far and wide and allow people to make their own judgments. But regardless of what you think about Henry's incoherent nonsense, it's riddled with inaccuracies — some by ignorance, others just flat-out lies — that I feel it important to correct.

If Hank wants to make the argument that Terrence hurling dangerous projectiles at co-workers is acceptable, that's a fine argument to make. You have the right to be a dumbass in this country. But he bases his entire argument around the fact that Rico was "provoked." I did not say a word to Terry — as I don't any other day he's in the office — until he responded to some vague taunts from Big Cat by referring to himself now as a "low-level employee" like "someone who wears orange from the South." It was only at that time I told Terrence that he didn't need to lash out and that everything was going to be ok. Bosco started the entire thing and to think otherwise is moronic.

Neutral parties, like Tommy Smokes, who observed the events described the situation the exact same way.

Terrence being provoked seems to be the majority of the basis for Hank's argument, which simply is not true. As a matter of fact, I've let dozens of comments from Rico like that go without any incident. He makes them all the time, because he's an insecure child with a little man complex who needs to project onto others. The difference between myself and everyone else is I'm one of the few people in this office unwilling to grovel for the right to be a "Ryder" and he doesn't understand how someone could possibly not want to suck him off. He channels that emotion into his outbursts, again, because he has the emotional intelligence of a 3-year-old.

Hank also mentions the "precedent" set by a couple people getting pushed or tackled like those events could have inflicted any sort of harm remotely commensurate with getting hit in the face by a sealed aluminum can full of liquid being hummed at 60 MPH. Thank God the amount of damage that could have been done was left to the imagination thanks to my cat-like reflexes, but to act like this event was at all comparable to those is sheer lunacy.

Additionally, he asks for Dave to issue a ruling on whether calling people by their real names — again, please take a second to recognize the insanity of what we're talking about here — is allowed in this office. He already has. I went back and found it.

"I love Rico, but I gotta treat everybody the same. Everybody is allowed to call everybody by their government first name."

That quote stems from me calling Terrence by his name over the phone, actually saying almost verbatim what I said to him Tuesday morning after he chose to take a shot at me. I just try to calm him down and tell him everything is going to be alright. In a cruel twist of irony, it was trying to keep him calm that finally unleashed his ultimate fit of rage.

Henry goes on to lobby for punishment for me as if I did anything wrong — if calling a man by his name is a crime, then lock me up — and you can read the rest of his drivel throughout his blog. None of it makes any sense to anyone who made it through high school, but I support his right to say it and support his criminally insane friend.

We may need to pray for Hank more than Terry. We all knew how crazy the T-Man was, but I didn't know Hank was in this desperate need of friendship. I hope Rico continues giving Hank that good dick he clearly craves.