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The Alec Baldwin Shooting Story Gets Extra Strength Crazy, Courtesy of Alec Baldwin. And Splenda.

Mark Sagliocco. Getty Images.

It's been a while since we've had any real updates on the investigation into Alec Baldwin shooting and killing the cinemaphotographer on his movie set with a prop gun. As a matter of fact, the story might not be even making the press at all were it not for the fact, despite the fact Baldwin make a public pronouncement of how he was going off Twitter, he himself  can't seem to shut up about the matter

Now while the investigation is proceeding behind the scenes, it's in the news because he's talking about it again. 

On New Year's Day, it was a 12 minute diatribe about a high school girl in a coffee shop writing him an encouraging note on a packet of Splenda. Because apparently coffee shops on Long Island are REALLY cracking down on extra napkin abuse:


What would cause a man in his 60s who's involved in an investigation into a homicide that could potentially lead to criminal charges, and most definitely will involve lawsuits, to post a video like the TikTok a teenager upset because the boy she's dating keeps liking the photos of that bitch Jessica from the field hockey team, your guess is as good as mine. 

What we do know, is that the Splenda Saga ("Love is a Many Splenda'ed Thing"? "Splenda in the Grass"? I'll work on it.) didn't end there:

Outsider - Unfortunately, before Alec Baldwin could share photos of the Splenda packet with his followers, he lost it. Baldwin was sure that the small memento was gone forever. He posted a video talking about the packet and how much it meant to him.

[Then] Alec Baldwin posted an emotional video to his Instagram feed. In the video, Baldwin says he went to visit his friend, David. When he got there, David and his daughter told Alec the story of how their neighbor went to a local takeout restaurant and found his missing Splenda packet. …

Baldwin goes on to say that having the packet back in his hands is “nothing short of a miracle.” 

Well, OK then. We might all be off to a bit of a rough start to our 2022, but at least we have the Miracle of the Artificial Sweetener Packet to give us hope. And while your first instinct might be to mock a grown man getting this emotional over a hastily drawn doodle on an individual portion of dextrose and maltodextrin, I'm sitting this one out. Karma can be a fickle mistress. Next it could be any one of us in Baldwin's loafers. Ye who is without suspicion of negligence on a movie set fatality, let him cast the first stone. 

Instead, let's let Kyle Dunnigan do it. Because he's a frigging genius:


The really incredible part of all this is that Baldwin is coming under attack for not turning his phone over to investigators, and to me that is the least crazy aspect of all this. And as he goes onto explain himself in that video, you don't simply hand over your personal property to the authorities, with all your info, passwords, private messages, photos and whatever. That's not a lack of cooperation. It's not a lack of respect for law enforcement. It's the Constitution. It's protecting an individual's (Think: Your own) right to not be subjected to unreasonable search and seizure. John Adams wouldn't have handed his phone over to the Redcoats and neither should Alec Baldwin. They're entitled to what a judge says they're entitled to, and not one byte of data more. So you let the lawyers sort it out in order to keep that hilarious meme your brother Stephen sent you out of the public eye. 

So we can all fully support him in that. I just find it beyond bizarre that he'll listen to his attorneys when it comes to protecting his personal information, then completely ignore the advice every single lawyer in history has given every single client they've ever had throughout history: Keep your mouth shut and let me handle this. 

Alec Baldwin has the right to remain silent. What he seems to lack is the capacity.