To Honor Betty White, Here Is The Golden Girls Blog You Didn't Know You Needed. Again.

blogged this back when I was first getting started. Off the wall shit that stemmed from seeing a twitter thread comparing them all to Jordan's. Regardless, if I can find a way to blog or talk about Golden Girls, I do. I grew up watching the show (amongst a family full of Italian women) it was on all the time. It still holds up and is fucking hilarious today. And I believe its theme song is a top 5 theme song all time for TV shows. Betty White is a Saint. She was also an Oak Park, IL native. May she rest in peace. 

Last night I was perusing (awesome underused word) the twitter and came across a pretty awesome thread. 

I know what you're thinking. 

You've had some semi-decent blogs lately. Now you're gonna ruin it by forcing one centered on the fucking Golden Girls ?

The Golden Girls is a very slept-on series from yesteryear. Get past the fact its stars are 4 geriatric sex-crazed women and the comedy shines. 

The intro song also BANGS.

The twitter thread comparing the show's characters to Jordan special releases had some gems in it that I got some laughs out of. 

Here were the highlights - 

Have we reached the point yet where people officially have had way too much time on their hands?

I thought that point came for me a couple of months ago. But then today while blogging the sneaker pics I thought to myself-

Just blogging the Jordans vs. Golden Girls pics probably won't register for a lot of people. What's something that everybody will enjoy?

9 times out of 10 this very difficult question can be answered with sex. (Pro tip). 

So I thought about how I could sex up the already over-sexed Golden Girls. 

How about breaking down who'd be the best choice of the four to sleep with?

Picture it, Miami 1988. Cocaine flowed like wine, linen pants suits were the rage, and Phil Collins blared from every radio. Amongst this cornucopia of entertainment, there were four vivacious, sexually liberated women living together and looking for male companionship. It was a Heisman House of sex kittens begging to be snatched up.

The best part? This was pre-1990’s which means you could actually meet women in Miami that hadn’t already been banged by Warren Sapp or Greg With The Third Leg. I mean, they were more than likely banged by Michael Irvin but hey, at this point I think we’ve all come to accept that if you date a girl from Miami she probably banged "The Playmaker".

Sounds too good to be true right? Well, it’s very much true. It was a golden age and these four sensual pussycats were the golden girls of the golden age. Their names were Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, and Sophia.

They may have had a few years on you but don’t let that fool you. These chicks were sexual napalm.

And today is your lucky day because I’m going to transport you back in time and allow you to fantasize about which of these 4 temptresses you would make love to. I’m going to give you carnal knowledge of each of these dream girls and from there you can decide which lady you would choose to attend the bedroom rodeo with.

But fair warning, don’t go into this with preconceived thoughts. What you think may be true of Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, and Sophia may not be so true once we dive into their sexual profiles. Your final answer will also depend on what you like in the bedroom. Are you a love maker and cuddler? Someone that's into kinky shit? Someone that likes to be dominated? Each of these chicks has their own flavor.

Let’s dive in.

Blanche Devereaux  

Many of you may think Blanche is the easy choice amongst this group and you may be right, but there is also more than meets the eye here. Yes, she was the town slut and freely gave it up to any man that smiled at her but like many hot chicks, she also carried a lot of baggage. For one, she was deeply insecure. So for every 10-minute romp in the sack, you better also account for several hours of telling her how pretty she is. That insecurity also probably translates to the bedroom. You may think that because she’s a slut she would be a beast in the sack but the truth of it is she’ll only have sex with the lights off, she’ll want you to do all the work, she’ll want to cuddle afterward and she may even tell you she loves you. This is a stage 5 clinger guys.

They say you can't put a price on sexual experience, but Blanche definitely doesn’t come cheap so you better be prepared to pay up in the form of shopping sprees, fancy dinners, and exotic vacations. Now, this is a fantasy-based in 1980’s Miami so if you’re a cocaine kingpin in this fantasy it may work out for you. Just be prepared to have to buy her happiness on a weekly basis.

Lastly, Blanche was known to frequent the Navy bars in search of lonely sailors. If ever there was a woman with Herpes it was Blanche. Buyer beware.

Rose Nylund

At first blanch (pun intended) you may think Rose is the exact opposite of your preconceived notions of Blanche – a sweet and boring goodie-two-shoes that would lay there like a dead fish. You couldn’t be more wrong. Rose is a sexual dynamo folks. She may be quiet and seemingly plain in daily life but it’s that quiet confidence and lack of baggage that allows her to come unhinged in the bedroom. That suppressed wild side breaks loose in the sack in the form of a screaming, orgasmic-filled sexual lesson that involves multiple positions and any toys you can imagine. Butt stuff? Obviously. You want to dominate her? She’s cool with that. You want her to dominate you? You won't have to ask twice. And she'll definitely let you put it anywhere.

Rose is the girl that you can bang out in the back of a taxi cab and still take her to momma’s house for dinner an hour later.

You think I’m full of shit? Two men died in the sack with Rose, probably from her riding them like Secretariat. Her husband and a lover that was secretly married. If you can kill two men in bed you’re a sexual all-star.

Dorothy Sbornak

Years ago Dorothy was most likely a boring lay. But not anymore. After being cheated on by her ex-husband Stan repeatedly she became generally pissed off at the world and specifically pissed off at most men. First of all it’s going to take you a while to earn her trust enough to let you in the bedroom. But once you do, you better be prepared for some weird shit.

Dorothy is definitely into some borderline abusive dominatrix shit. She is going to take her hatred of men out on you so you better be prepared for a lot of leather and a lot of pain. If you’re not prepared to have whips marks across your back and ass then this isn’t the woman for you. You’re going to have to bleed for this one.

Dorothy is down for pretty much whatever also. She’ll probably allow you to bring another woman into the bedroom but be careful because she may also leave you for a woman as well. It’s a real toss-up.

If you’re into gag balls, anal beads, strap-ons and screaming in pain then strap the fuck in boys because this is the girl for you.

Sophia Petrillo

I know what you’re thinking: “She’s 1,000 years old, she’s the worst of the bunch.” Well, you’re off your fucking rocker if you look past Sophia. She’s the blue ribbon bunny here folks. She’s the total package.

First, she’s as confident as they come, telling you and anyone else exactly what she thinks without a filter. That lack of inhibition translates into the bedroom as well. If she wants something, you’re going to hear about it. No games here.  

She’s also a savage. This chick lived through World War II under Mussolini. You think you intimidate her? Please. She’ll dominate the shit out of you in the sack and then call you a pussy when you cry out your safe word in pain.

But she has a sweet and maternal side as well. After she rips your dick off in the bedroom, she’ll whip you up some macaroni and meatballs and wait on you hand and foot. This is a true Italian woman.

You want proof that Sophia is the prized sexual conquest of this group? She claims to have bedded Mussolini, Sigmund Freud, and Robert Frost. In case you’re counting at home that’s a dictator, a coked-out psychiatrist, and the guy who gave us The Road Not Taken.

Still don’t believe me? She once stole a man from Blanche.

Game over. The 87 year old it is.

Rest In Peace Betty White