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If I'm Ever The First Man On Mars, I Have The Perfect Joke

-I think I may have come up with the greatest joke of all time, but it will take a very, very unlikely scenario for me to pull it off. So first thing’s first, I have to become an astronaut. I don’t know if there’s a school for that or how it works, but Step 1: Become an astronaut. Step 2: This is important, I legally change my name to Colin. Colin Scibelli. Awful ring to it but it’ll be worth it, trust me. Step 3. We figure out a way to send humans to Mars. And step 4. I am one of those humans chosen to go on the first mission to Mars because of my unbelievable astronauting abilities. And so when I get there, NASA has a line prepared they want me to say when I become the first man to step foot on Mars. Something like Neil Armstrong’s “One small step for man. One giant leap for mankind.” And they say, “Colin, you have to say this. It’ll go down in history.” And I say “Yeah. Yeah. I’ll say it. I’ll say it.” They’re worried because while I am brilliant, I’m also a free spirit who beats to my own drum. So anyway, we land on Mars and I push everyone out of the way to make sure I’m the first one to step foot on Mars. So I get out of the ship, I put my two feet down on Mars, and then I look into the camera and I say, “Ladies and gentlemen… We have just COLINized Mars.” …LMAOOOOO. And at first, everybody is REALLY mad at me. The other astronauts, NASA etc. I become quite afraid that they’re going to leave me there. But luckily, the general public eats it up. They think it’s hilarious. It’s the funniest thing they’ve ever heard. So after an awkward ride back, I get back to Earth and I’m the King. Everyone loves me. I go on Fallon and host SNL. I become a massive celebrity. Oh, and I actually end up marrying Margot Robbie. 

-I get really annoyed when I do one of these videos where I complain about something that's really a pretty minor inconvenience in my life, but still an inconvenience nonetheless, and then people reply with a logical solution to the problem? Uhhh… no thank you. I’m complaining. I’d like to continue to complain. I didn’t ask for “logic” and “reason.” I’m here to complain, so please let me continue to complain in peace. 

-This is a laundry room dilemma I had the other day that I’d love everyone to chime in on. I had two loads of laundry in my building’s laundry room. One in the washer. One in the dryer. I timed it so that they’d be done at the same time. I could take my clean clothes out of the dryer, and then move the rest from the washer to the dryer. But when I went to do that, all the dryers were taken and I saw a lady there waiting for a dryer. So I took my clothes out of the dryer and put them in my bag to bring upstairs. And by the time I went to take my clothes out of the washer and put them in the dryer, she swooped in and put hers in the dryer I was just using. And so I turned around to put my clothes in and had a little awkward “Oh. Oh. Are you using that?” and she said “Yes.” And while I would’ve loved to have a confrontation with a stranger in public over social etiquette, I honestly don’t think I had much of a ground to stand on. Just because I was using it doesn’t mean I get it for two loads. She did stand there and claim next load. My other load was still in the washer, so she claimed it first. It really becomes a question of, is it load priority or person priority? Is it my dryer until I’m done with all my loads? I don’t think I could use it for say, 12 straight loads. There has to be a cutoff somewhere. And I think it’s fair that I had it for one load and she then has it for one load. The order was my load, her load, my other load. So I unfortunately didn’t get to cause a scene, but I’ll be looking to in the future if given the opportunity where I’m on the other side of this. 

-I’ve been seeing a lot of tweets lately listing all the bad stuff in the world - COVID, supply chain crisis, economy, wars and shit etc. Then they’ll end with “AND it’s 60 in December.”... But that one doesn’t seem so bad? That one seems like maybe it doesn’t belong with the rest of them. And I know that it’s proof “the planet is dying” or whatever, but I kind of like it when it’s this warm in the winter. It’s just tough for climate change activists, that the worst result that is supposed to scare us, is that it’s just nicer out in the winter.

-So unless you live under a literal freaking rock, I assume you watched the historic livestream known as “The Shave” where I finally bid adieu to my iconic beard. And you probably saw how much I bled, which was really quite a lot. A striking amount of blood truly. And it has left me so scarred, both physically and emotionally, that I may never shave again. So for anyone out there that liked the beard, the ladies I know love the scruff, good news. I may quite literally be too scared to ever shave my face again. So I have no choice but to just become James Harden. 

Thank you for your time.