Porn Searches for 'MILF Icon' Mrs. Claus Increase by 400% This Time of Year

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I feel I take a backseat to no one when it comes to my reverence for Christmas. It's religious observance. The joyousness of the season. The art, music, film and television it inspires. The love of family and friends it brings about. The whole of the holiday season, in all its glory. All other holidays fade to insignificance next to Christmas' awesome majesty. 

And I'll admit there's a romantic aspect to it. I think I'm like a lot of guys who can trace their first crush back to the moment Clarice told Rudolph he's cute:

Which is a moment I've spent my whole life chasing, to no avail. As I got older, my holiday tastes ran less toward miniature stop-motion animation hooved animals and more toward Donna Reed looking exquisite as she decorated the Bailey house for her Christmas Eve party while her husband was planning his suicide. Then Lauren Graham in "Bad Santa," (NSFW). And Alicia Witt in any of the 72 Hallmark movies she's been in. 

And I think that's healthy. It's normal to associate such an overwhelming time on the calendar with our wants and desires. But then again, there is nothing so pure and so good that someone, somewhere, can't turn into a creepy fetish. I might have once felt something for a poorly animated caribou. But I draw the line at lusting after Mrs. Claus. Which apparently puts me in the minority:

Source - A horny Mrs. Claus has emerged as a fairly popular character in porn over the past few years, though no one really knows how and when she found her calling in the adult industry. Though her husband, Santa, remains a far more popular figure people want to fuck around this time of the year, the matronly woman has become a sex symbol in her own right. For a woman with no definitive first name and whose identity is inextricably linked with her husband’s, the only place she is able to retain her independence and have a life of her own seems to be when sex is involved. …

[D]ozens if not hundreds of porn plots take advantage of Mrs. Claus situations. Myers detailed the most popular tropes her story is built around: Husband is mostly at work leaving her at home all alone, except for their employees; it is cold and she needs warmth; there is always a toy or candy cane just laying around. 

According to Pornhub stats shared with VICE, on Christmas Day, searches for “Mrs. Claus” grow up to 401 percent higher than their December average, while “Santa Claus” could go up 374 percent, and “Elf” is up 90 percent. …

“Mrs. Claus is a MILF icon,” said Misha Mayfair, a sex worker and artist. “Her image evokes the motherly love and safety we associate with Christmas in childhood. …. As a sex worker, I receive Christmas-themed requests and Mrs. Claus is a mainstay in these.”

Well there you have it. I'm not going to judge, because clearly I'm the Puritanical one here. I'm the prude who can't accept that this matronly symbol of purity, fidelity and marital bliss is actually a sensuous, hot blooded, horny MILF that millions of men (and women) across the country have an overpowering need to pleasure themselves to. While Mrs. Claus is whipping up eggnog, there's a 400% spike in people whipping up batches to her porn. "Mrs. Claus is Cumming to Town." "Ebenezer Screwed." "My Body, My Elf" or whatever. And lonely incels everywhere are hiring sex workers to strap on the red dress and the granny glasses for a little role playing with the original Ho-Ho Ho.

I don't get it. I don't want to get it. This is just one of those things I wish I'd never heard because it not only just destroyed a piece of my childhood, it's not doing my adulthood any favors, either. So happy jerk sessions, everyone. I'm just going to try to forget this every happened or I'll never be able to look at Christmas the same way ever again. Instead, I'll just focus on Alison Brie. That works every time: