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When Tom Brady Tells You "Go Fuck Yourself," are You Not Obligated to, in Fact, Go Fuck Yourself?

If there's one rule of public discourse I strive to adhere to, it is never to Victim Blame. Far too often when powerful interests are accused of something egregious, we take the easier route and accuse the accusers of wrongdoing. So today, as we deal with the fallout of Tom Brady going way out of his way to tell Dennis Allen "Go fuck yourself" on national TV, I refuse to take the path of least resistance and blame the victim for "causing" the incident as so many others would do.

Tom Brady is the victim here. He was wronged. What Allen did to him was uncalled for and unjust. Shut out for just the third time in his career. The first time in over 15 years. Held to 26-of-48 passes for 213 yards and a Wentzian 6.90 Fantasy points. An interception by Chauncey Gardner-Johnson that was the precipitating incident here. Followed by Allen's blatant taunting that was somehow not flagged for an Unsportsmanlike. Allen had no business filling in for Sean Payton and throwing that at the presumptive 2021 MVP. At the very least, he owes Brady an apology. But the truly decent thing would be compliance. 

Simply put, when Tom Brady tells you to go fuck yourself, you don't ask "Why?" You ask "How hard?" On the way to go fuck yourself. Brady is a flawless, luminous, transcendent being of pure energy and consciousness who came into our dimension and took corporeal form to show us what human perfection looks like. Dennis Allen is the most "inter" of "interim" coaches. But I wouldn't care if he were the Pope, the Queen and Paul Rudd all rolled into one person. The same standard applies. When Brady fixes his pillowy soft lips to speak those words and direct them at you, it's not an insult. It's not a joke. It's not a request. It's not even an order. It's a sacred commandment and must be followed. 

So get on it, Allen. This is no laughing matter. Get busy fucking yourself, or get busy dying. And just to help the process, here's a supercut of Tom Brady pitching fits for eight straight minutes. 

I pity the next half dozen or so teams Brady is going to face on the way to the Super Bowl. Just not the one he's going to face when he gets there. Because that guy taught him everything he knows about temper tantrums.