There Is Nothing Better Than Throwing Stuff As Far As You Can And The Peak Of That Feeling Was The Vortex Football

There's nothing better than throwing shit. Doesn't matter what it is. I don't care if you're playing catch, throwing a stick for your dog, or chucking a rock as high as you can over a pond or lake and seeing what kind of splash you can make. There's just something so primal. People like to talk about "male privilege" all the time. The ultimate form of male privilege is being born with the innate satisfaction from throwing stuff and being able to entertain ourselves for hours by doing only that. Maybe girls get that feeling too, but I don't remember groups of girls standing around at recess just throwing a football as high and as far as they could yelling a random number and then a group of their friends jumping in the air risking injury to catch it in a hail mary competition. 

You even get social status from being able to throw. On both ends...if you're a dude who can't throw and catch a ball you instantly get judged. That is a factor. You could literally be Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel, but if he tried throw a worn out brush to his assistant and it fell short he'd get looks. People would walk through the halls admiring the masterpiece of one of humankind's greatest geniuses and people would snicker as he walked by because he couldn't throw. Then you've got people like WSD. Say whatever you will about WSD, but you can't discount his arm strength and that matters. 

There was one toy and one toy only that encapsulated that primal need to throw things far and that was the vortex. This was a toy that stimulated 4 of the 5 sense. You could obviously touch the perfectly firm nerf-like surface, you could smell those plastic fumes when you opened the box, you could watch it soar majestically through the air, and you could hear that whistling of the perfect vortex spiral. I can close my eyes and still hear that whistle and I know you all can too. KFC said that the vortex was steroids for kids and that is perfect. That ball did turn you into Elway or Marino. You had a fucking hose. You felt like you could take down a helicopter with nothing but your right arm when you had that thing in your hand. It might be the greatest toy ever invented. It should be it's own olympic event. Remember the old QB skill competition show from the 90s?

No offense to like the javalin or discus throwers of the world, but those sports suck and should be thrown on the undercard of the Olympics. Give me Josh Allen, Pat Mahomes, and Matt Stafford standing at the goal line and throwing a vortex as far as they possibly can. I would watch that all day every day. It's primal. It's baked into our DNA that watching objects fly through the air is awesome and we need more vortex related content. We need vortexes in the hands of every youth in America. Get back to our roots of being outside and throwing shit far.