4th of July Collection | Now Available at the Barstool StoreSHOP HERE


Stop Giving People Gift Cards

-Since we’re in the Christmas season now, I just want to remind anyone to never, ever buy someone a gift card. There’s nothing more useless than getting someone a gift card to a specific store or place. I’d much rather have cash or a check because then I don’t feel pressure to spend it at a certain place, I can spend it wherever I want. It’s all about bank account balance. A $100 gift card to Macy’s? That’s not adding to my bank account balance like a check would so it doesn’t feel the same. Also sometimes I’ll forget about the gift cards I have and don't use them. I think it also makes it harder on the cashier to ring up a gift card. And for the gift buyer, it’s also way easier to write a check than it is to go to a place just to buy a gift card. So please just once and for all, can we end the whole gift card process. 

-A few months ago I was on a plane and I arrived at my row to see a pilot sitting in the window seat. And I assume he just worked for the airline and was getting to his next stop or whatever, but I thought it would’ve been really funny if I said, “Uhh…. I think you’re in the seat buddy. Cockpit’s up there!” And I didn’t say it but I bet he would’ve laughed and now all I can think about is how my life would currently be if I did make the joke, and I haven’t slept a full 8 hours since. 

-Taking someone up on an empty offer is actually more rude than making the empty offer. We can’t mess with the sanctity of the empty offer. One time a friend told me he was moving and I said “Oh if you need any help, let me know” obviously not being serious, and he said “Oh yeah that would be great” and then I had to explain to him “No no no. That was an empty offer. I obviously don’t want to help you move. Moving is the worst.” I was being friendly by making the offer, and now you have to be friendly by declining it. We need to all have that agreement. If we lose the power of an empty offer, society may crumble. 

-I think the world is most unified when “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield comes on at a bar and the whole crowd sings together like they’re all best friends. I truly think if it played on a battlefield in the middle of war, everyone would drop their guns for a few minutes and sing along because it just makes you feel so good. 

-The hardest decision I consistently have to make is when I wake up in the middle of the night and kind of have to pee. The in between feeling. Like not the overpowering feeling where I can't hold it and definitely have to jump out of bed. But enough so that it’s an uncomfortable feeling. And I try to decide “Can I get back to sleep with this level of pee in my bladder or do I have to go drain it?” Because I’m so comfortable in my bed and if I get up, I may ruin that. But also the feeling of having to pee is so annoying. It's really a nightmare. 

-People should post more Instagram stories of themselves staying in on the weekend. Because if there’s a Saturday night where I’m tired and I don’t really feel like going out, I’ll see so many Instagram stories of people at a bar or club and it makes me feel pressure to go out because I’ll think “Oh well everyone in the world is out tonight.”. But that’s not the case. It’s just because the only people posting stories are the ones who are out. But there’s plenty of people staying in, looking at all these stories themselves and feeling guilty. So if we all agree to post more stories on a Saturday at 11 PM that are “Hey look I’m in bed watching a documentary and eating ice cream” we’d all feel better about ourselves. 

Thank you for your time.