Tough To Admit But These Firefighters Suck At Deep Frying Turkeys

Holy shit, boys. How about ya mix in a clue every once in a while, no?

Listen. I get that firefighters are heroes and everything. I get that they're a bunch of sexy hunks of man meat who save lives and homes every day. But for the love of god, these dudes suck at deep frying turkeys. Just abysmally horrid. Unfathomably terrible. 

Take this guy for example. 

It's a little thing called "displacement", bud. You can't go around filling the pot to the brim with scolding hot oil before you toss that bird in there, dummy. You have to leave enough room for the turkey to go in, push the oil out of the way and then be fully submerged. If you fill that shit to the top, obviously you're about to get a tidal wave of oil splashing out over an open flame. 

And even if you put the right amount of oil in the pot, you still can't be a moron like this bozo. 

A couple of things here. 1) You can be going around dunking the turkey like you're Vince Carter trying to shatter a backboard. Just carefully place that bitch in there. And 2) you can't take a turkey straight out of the freezer and drop it into a pot full of boiling oil. Because the thing about ice that many people often seem to forget is that it's frozen water. What happens when it's not frozen anymore? Oh yeah, it becomes water again. And then the pot overflows, your turkey is burnt to shit as well as your home if you're dumb enough to deep-fry a turkey so close to your home that it could result in a fire. 

Speaking of those idiots…

What in the shit is going on here, guys? Who is deep frying a turkey in their garage? If you're too much of a coward to deal with being out in the cold to deep-fry your turkey, then you don't deserve fried turkey anyway. Go put on your footie pajamas and enjoy the warmth of roasting your turkey in the oven like the basic that you are. You want some delicious turkey, you deal with cooking out in the elements. Or else you burn down your garage and all of little Billy and Jessica's toys.

Long story short, it's not that difficult to make some incredibly delicious turkey for your friends and family this Thanksgiving. You just can't be a total dumbass about it. Thaw your turkey completely, brine or inject your turkey so you don't dry the shit out of it, don't let your oil get past 350°, don't cook it right up against your home, and that's about it. 

Anyway, these firefighters clearly need a cooking lesson so I'll let my good pal Matt Pittman from Meat Church lead the way on this one. 

Or if for some reason the thought of deep frying your turkey still scares you a little bit, you can still just 'cock that bird and throw it on the smoker for one of the best Thanksgiving meals you've ever had.