Barstool vs. America presented by High Noon - Season 2 | Episode 3 Premieres Tonight 7PM ETTUNE IN

Are you like me, and do you have hairy balls?

If you answered, yes, then I can also assume you run into the same problem I do when I shave my plums at home… No matter how meticulous I think I am in cleaning up all the stray hairs I shear, I undoubtedly miss a fair amount, and it drives my wife INSANE. 

What little hair I still have up top on my head and beard is straight and gray, but my thatch is still dark and curly… Like a young Idris Elba… 

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("Where the fuck is Wallace, String?!?!")

And I recall a time one of our infant kids crawled into the bathroom not long after my quarterly touch-up, and by the time my wife got to him, it looked like he was wrestling around on the floor of a Harlem barbershop. 

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The bride picked up our little bundle of pubic hair-flecked joy and ran him downstairs to show him to me in disgust… 

Jemal Countess. Getty Images.

It was as if I let him play with a loaded handgun. 

Message received, I guess… But I also guess I deserve a little more understanding from the broad who is going to benefit the most from having a newly smooth and aerodynamic giant dick-rocket to place wherever the fuck she wants… 

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So maybe lighten up a bit, okay, sweetheart?

My point is- Even though Barstool has me traveling far less than some of my sport-and-gambling-centric workmates, I still get on a plane once a month or so and travel to exotic ports of call like Kennesaw, Georgia this past weekend. 

And when I travel, I am typically put up in chain hotels such as this week's lovey Courtyard Marriot, which is located in the shadow of (and shares a parking lot with) the local Costco.  And due to the alleged pandemic that has gripped the world over the last 2 years, most chain hotels no longer offer daily maid service.  So when you check into a room for a short stay, there is a chance you will not see any type of housekeeping until after you check out.

Therefore, every single time I travel, I make sure to pack my Philips Norelco OneBlade (who I believe is still a presenting sponsor of one of our football shows), and I make sure I use that OneBlade to remove any and all feathers from my mighty raven in confidence that I will not encounter a frustrated cleaning person during my stay.

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Since I am not a fucking animal, I still try to sweep up most of the scattered curlies with a wet paper towel after I am done.  And since I am not a cheap fuck, I leave a couple of 20s on the bathroom sink for the poor bastard that has to deal with the merkin in my shower drain and the claw-marks in the nearby toilet.

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So… If you want to avoid the ire of your wife, girlfriend, roommate, or significant other while still receiving all the benefits of that hairless optical inch, might I suggest you pack a razor and some baby powder and take that show on the road.

That is all.

Take a report.

-Large