Gear Up for the Big Game | New Football T-Shirts, Hoodies, Hats, Beanies, Flags and MoreSHOP NOW

Fellas, Is This Donut Tryin To Get The Pipe?

Fellas, imagine walkin down your local street and getting a hankering for a little delectable treat. The number of snacks at your immediate disposal would make every hungry child the world over yearn with jealousy. At your fingertips, you have the ability to pull your phone from your pocket and cruise the virtual food court looking for a snack that will fill not only your belly but your soul as well. You don't wanna order something though. At times, Post Mates and the like can make you feel like you aren't really living- that you're just going through the motions. No, you don't want to sit comfortably at a park bench and order something like you have some many times. Plus, explaining the exact bench that you're on to your dasher can be very annoying. Youd say something like "I'm on the bench underneath the Chestnut oak on the north side of the park." 

"Forgive me," the dasher would reply. "Im not familiar with tree varietals." Fucking idiot.

"Oh. That's no problem. Allow me to be more clear. I'm under the chestnut oak which is readily identified by its massively ridged dark gray-brown bark, the thickest of any eastern North American oak. Namely it's the Quercus montana which is a species of oak in the white oak group, Quercus sect. It's native to the eastern United States, where it is one of the most important ridgetop trees from southern Maine southwest to central Mississippi, with an outlying northwestern population in southern Michigan. I'm also wearing a DuPont Jeff Gordon shirt if that helps."

Obviously saying the Jeff Gordon shirt thing from the jump would help with being identified but you also dont wanna look braggy to your Dasher. Having a vintage Jeff Gordon shirt is a stunt so you gotta tread lightly. You don't want your snack spat upon again. The last time that happened, you got Covid and, despite being fully vaccinated, you were very sick. You didn't need to go to the hospital or nothing but you did lose taste for about a week. That sucked because you couldn't even taste your fucking favorite donut flavor.. namely… the bearclaw. Delicious!

Back to the mission at hand. What about a snack… a donut…but not a bearclaw. Dont be insane. That would be your 10th bearclaw this week. Your doctor would flip (Diabetes). Something smaller… Hmmm… You could pick from any number of flavors. Glazed, Chocolate Frosted, Strawberry Frosted, Vanilla Frosted, Old Fashioned, Boston Creme, Glazed Chocolate Cake, Jelly, Cinnamon, Powdered Sugar, Blueberry Cake. Bearclaw. NO. Not a bearclaw!

On the menu, you see a litany of delicious treats. It's morning still so you could get a breakfast sandwich or perhaps you're more in the mood to wet your whistle with a delicious drink. What to choose. What to choose, indeed. Will you go with a Hot Caramel Macchiato or Caramel Iced Coffee or Hazelnut Iced Coffee or Regular Coffee or Iced Tea or Bottled Iced Coffee (Espresso) … no that wont do… what about a Coconut Iced Coffee or a Blueberry Iced Coffee- a super unique flavor that makes for a delicious cup of joe… no… None of those will work. Back to the donuts. 

It's been over an hour that you've been lookin for that perfect snack and then you see it. Bent over on the counter looking for a tonguing that you've never even experienced. Hesitant, you select that bad boy and get to work. 

As you get closer and closer to the hole, the donut gets more and more moist. You do too. Your britches are sopping wet and your tongue is getting raw as a dog. You dont care. You wont finish until the donut does. Call that edging a nut. 

Next thing you know, the hole is melted down your throat. People are watching. The Lord is watching. You keep fucking licking. Momma didnt raise no hole averse puss puss so you keep going until every last bite is gone. Wonderfully, your mind, loins, and appetite are satiated to a level that has never been seen. To think, you thought a blueberry coffee could make you feel like this. That's why your friends say you are a fucking idiot. I dont. They do but who is the idiot now? Not the guy with a little nut on his throat. A donut that is. 

Glad you stopped in that Dunkin? You're god damn right you are.